Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Learning to let go..

How do you get to the point of just giving up? I don't know how to do that. I started a new cycle yesterday and it is killing me not being able to call and try another IUI this month. I know that my attention needs to be on my husband right now, and that is where I want it to be, but it is still hard. Infertility has taken over our lives for so long and we have been through so much.. it is hard to just not think about it. My body has been through hell while enduring fertility treatments, and now I can't help but think it was all for nothing. All we have gotten out of this is brokenness. I'm so angry! In the 3 years we have been married, we have endured a deployment, 27 months of infertility (33 months if you could when we started trying and found out I had PCOS, but missed some months because of deployment), Matt's injury that has permanently disabled him, his grandmother having cancer, my dad having cancer, his brother passing away, and the ending of Matt's military career. It has been hard. I just want things to turn around and for good things to happen. We both want a child, but know that something has got to give at the moment.

Step 1: Learning to let go of having a child for the time being and concentrating on my marriage.

I love my husband and I'd choose him over having a baby every time..

Sunday, November 27, 2011

No longer TTC

Well, trying to have a baby is officially on hold for I don't know how long. Infertility has taken its toll on my marriage and we have some things to work out. I hate that it is this way, but there isn't much to say or do about it. It's bad enough that we have had to deal with such a horrible thing, but for it to affect our relationship? I can't help but feel a little bitter. I love my hubby very much.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I haven't updated in a while and that is because the past week or so has been difficult. We went back to San Antonio to start another cycle of treatment only to discover that I have a large cyst on my ovary and we are out for this month. I cried right there in the doctor's office. It was very disappointing and I was frustrated. I just want things to go right for once! Can't my body cooperate and do what it is supposed to do?! The clinic closes down for two weeks over Christmas and they want to get one more IUI in before then so we will really be pushing it to do that. Hopefully things work out though and we are able to. Anyway, so that is where we are at right now. Waiting....
I also have been experiencing a lot of pain because of this cyst and even made an emergency room trip in fear that it had ruptured. It hadn't and it is still there. Please pray that it goes away soon on its own so we can move on with things and so I can get rid of this pain!

On the plus side, next week is Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I wish we were able to go home and be with our families, but we will be with our Army family and enjoying the day with the Smith's. Just like we have for the past 3 years! I love that family though and consider them family even if it is not by blood. We will be very sad to leave them when we move in a few months.

Monday, November 7, 2011

And drumroll please....

NEGATIVE. So, it's back to San Antonio tomorrow to start all over again. Maybe the third time will be a charm :\ I'm not going to get upset over this and I'm just going to keep on, keepin' on. What else is there to do anyway?


So it looks like I have the flu! My fever went up after I posted yesterday and I've had a hard time getting rid of it since .. yuck! :( Test was still negative this morning, but I just had a blood test done so we'll see what that says. I'm not counting on anything, but I guess we will see what happens. Time for a nap and some tylenol!

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Today I am 13dpiui. Yesterday, at 12dpiui Matt and I went down to Austin to do some shopping and get out of Killeen for the day. We went to the Iguana Grill for dinner (LOVE that place!) and as we were about finished I felt an all too familiar feeling, panicked and ran to the restroom. Sure enough... blood! :( It was only spotting though and nothing bright red so I'm not completely giving up hope yet. It is just funny because only about 10 minutes before that I had told Matt that I felt like my period was coming. I haven't had much spotting since and only a little bit today. I just wish I knew if it was the beginning of my period or if it happens to be implantation bleeding. The problem is that I need an answer soon because I am supposed to count the first day of spotting as the 1st day of my cycle and I would need to go back to San Antonio by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest to begin again. We went and stocked up on some more First Response tests today so I could test today and tomorrow and see if anything comes up. I am probably going to call my clinic in the morning and see if they can have a blood test put in for me so we can get some kind of an answer. Why can't this just be simple? Why do I have to have another brain tease thrown in? lol! Only me, right? I also woke up this morning with a wonderful cold.. sore throat, stuffy, body aches and a lowgrade ever at 99 F.

In other news, Matt is outside making a dog house for Kylee and I am going to paint it red. I'm not sure if I will be up for it today, but maybe tomorrow. I think he is having a fun being manly and using power tools ;) The neighbor even came by to see what's going on. MEN!! hehe

Update again soon.. hopefully with some 'positive' news!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Can you say EMOTIONAL?!


Get me off this crazy roller coaster! I am so done with this. Today, I am extremely emotional and I really am not even sure why. I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment. I'm tired! I tested earlier and it was negative... I am so sick of seeing one pink line!!!! I know it's still early and things could change, but as of right now I am discouraged and fed up. I feel like everything has failed again. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel the opposite, but right now this is how I feel....negative. I'm just way too emotional and I know it is from all these raging hormones in my body. I just want to scream.

That is all I wanted to write right now.... just needed to VENT!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

My 'unconventional' way of thinking

This may seem a little odd to some, but I want to share something.
Yesterday, on my way to pick up the kids I babysit from school, God and I had a little talk. I thanked Him for my struggles. This may sound strange, but I feel like I have been given a blessing by having to deal with infertility. I feel like I was chosen to experience a miracle and to share with everyone my journey so that they too can see what God can do. I may struggle, but I have also grown because of this. I will never take for granted the miracle that is conception. Every single child that is born is a miracle. I have learned so much about the human body in the past couple years. It truly is amazing. I know Matt has also learned a lot (and probably more than he ever has wanted to know! lol). I feel lucky because when I finally do get pregnant, it is going to be that much more special for us. Not only has God given me this opportunity for growth and to hopefully experience a miracle, but my marriage has had the opportunity to become stronger. Infertility can certainly wear on a couple's marriage, but for us it has only brought us closer. Matt has been there every step of the way and he is so supportive. I know this is also hard on him, but he still tries to see things from my point of view, too. He listens. He has been at every single appointment and he tells me how proud he is of me for putting my body through all of this in hopes of giving us a child. I could not ask for a better partner to go through life's ups and downs with. I believe that we are going to be better parents for going through this. I feel more prepared than I was at the beginning of our journey and since it has taken so long, we have had a lot of time to discuss how we want to raise our children. So, thank you God for our hardships because on the other side of this is a blessing. I have already been blessed in so many ways. God can take any hard time in your life, any struggle, and turn it around and use it for His glory and to bless you. One of my favorite verses is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time." It has always been true in my life, and I hope others can look at theirs and see that it is true for them, too.

10dpiui - Symptoms?

Ok, so I am 10 days past my IUI right now and 12 days past my trigger shot. I am having some "symptoms" but I do not know if it is still from the trigger shot, if they could be real pregnancy symptoms, or if it is from something else entirely. I am jotting these down just in case we are successful this month because I want to remember what I was feeling. I have had horrible migraine headaches for a while now (I am certain these are from all the hormones I've been taking and not pregnancy?) I am hoping that they go away soon, but with my luck I will be stuck with migraines during the entire first trimester with nothing but tylenol. Ah! I also have sore breasts (I know.. TMI for some reading this I am sure.. but I again, I want to jot down all my 'symptoms') and this morning I woke up and I have been feeling the oddest little twinges in my uterus? I have no idea! I've been a good girl and have not tested early so we will see how well I hold out in the next few days! Only a few more days to go!! Monday is 14dpiui, but I'll probably test Saturday or Sunday just to see.... OH and I have a great idea to surprise my husband if I do end up being pregnant, hehe. But I don't want to write it on here in case he checks the blog. Let's just say, I plan on recording his reaction to the news if all goes well. Keep praying please! I believe miracles happen and maybe this is my turn for one :)

Monday, October 31, 2011


One week down, one week to go. I hate the two week wait, lol. This past week went by pretty quick, but the first part of the wait always does. Now I am getting restless about it again. I'm also starting to feel more emotional and not as positive about everything. I know, I know.. there is no reason for me to be giving up hope yet, but I am used to things not working out. I guess the good thing about not getting my hopes up is that I won't feel as crushed if this fails again and if it does work then I will be pleasantly surprised. No real symptoms yet, but I have had some that I am sure are from the Ovidrel shot. My biggest complaint is the migraines I have been getting. I have also had a lot of pain on my right side/lower back that is driving my nuts. I am not sure what it is from. I don't know if it is coming from my ovary or if I am possibly getting a kidney infection. I guess I'll discuss it with the doctor tomorrow because I made an appointment (w/ my PCM) to see if I can get something for the migraines I have been having.

Anyway, that's about all I have to update on right now. Fingers still crossed for a miracle!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Memories and Music

It's funny how music and memories are related. You know when you hear that one song, it takes you back to a time and place, and you can almost feel the emotions that you felt during that moment back in time? I find it crazy! Is it just me? Anyway, I've been listening to Pandora a lot (yes, I'm a little late on discovering this..) and I keep hearing songs that take me back to my high school days. Man, sometimes I miss the simplicity of those days. Ha, and to think I just used the word simplicity to describe my life in high school! How foolish I was back then to think that things were difficult. I hadn't the slightest clue about the reality of adult life. Ah, to go back to the days of school, friends, homework, part time jobs, and first love.. No bills to worry about, no REAL problems. Oh,young love - I remember you well! I kind of miss that innocence. Oh, the drama. What's funny is that at the time I hated high school.. despised it! Looking back on it now.. teenage years were not so horrible after all. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now. I have the best husband I could possibly ask for. He is my rock and my best friend. There is no one else I would rather go through these ups and downs of life with. I have a great family and wonderful friends. I am blessed to have best friends whose friendships have lasted more than a decade. ValAnn and I have been best friends for what? 10/11 years? Allie and I for 17? Woah, 17 years! Miss Kristen Michelle for 10 years. Those are true friendships. Not to mention the many great friendships I have developed since then. I am very close to my friend Jen down here in Texas and we've only known each other for a little over 2 years. Although Army life can create bonds pretty quickly :) I wouldn't trade my life or the people in it for anything!

Anyway, enough rambling for tonight. Just going down memory lane and listening to a little music....

Another fun night at the McPherson's

Nothing can ever go smoothly in this house, lol. My poor hubby is sick with the flu. And of course he was put on staff duty yesterday and was supposed to work all night. I brought him dinner and when I got there he was burning up.. I knew he had a fever.. I could just feel the heat radiating off of him. He didn't eat much, so afterward I went home and got the thermometer and some medicine. Yep, 102.2.. sick! We ended up going to the hospital last night so he could get checked out. We were hoping if it was the flu they would give him some tamiflu and it would help him get better quicker.. plus we thought they'd give him quarters so he could go home and rest. Nope. We waited for 4 hours and didn't get much accomplished. They said he may have strep, but they didn't have the rapid strep test there so we don't know if he does or not. He is supposed to make an appointment with his regular doctor, although since he worked all night (yes, he went back after going to the hospital and worked until 9AM) he is now sleeping. I guess he will have to try and go tomorrow if he still feels bad. Matt never gets sick so I know it's bad when he is. I just hope I do not catch it because I am worried if I get sick that it will mess everything up that we just did with the IUI. I don't need a sickness messing something up like implantation.. ahh! So I think I'm going to make I keep my distance, take my vitamins and drink a lot of orange juice. I refuse to get sick right now. I hope he feels better later :\

Monday, October 24, 2011


Yay, it's done! This morning we had our second IUI and I think things went pretty well. We should have had 3 mature follicles ready by the time we had the IUI this morning and things in the sperm department went pretty well, too. The doctor said there were about 20 something million PRE wash and about 20% motility.. which isn't great, but that after they 'washed' it and condensed it what we were working with was about 40 million and 50% motility. I like the second set of numbers much better :) I will say that the IUI was PAINFUL again this time though! They have a hard time getting the catheter through my cervix and finally they used the tenaculum (spelling?) to grab my cervix and pull it straight. WOW, that thing hurt like hell. They didn't use that last time when they had an issue and I think they should have. Even though it hurt, I'm glad they used it because it allowed everything to get where it needed to go easily and I don't think they did it right last time around. The doctor who did the IUI today seemed to have a better idea of what he was actually doing and was very careful about everything. It made me feel good. I'm feeling positive about everything at the moment and I'm beginning to get excited. It scares me that I am getting my hopes up again, but I can't help it. I guess we will see what happens in the next 2 weeks. Praying, praying, praying...

OH hilarious moment... my husband giving his 'boys' a pep talk before giving his sample.. He had to give them their mission and was deciding how to encourage them so he says "first one to the egg gets to be spoiled by grandma and grandpa!" LOL... I love that he can make light of any situation and make me laugh. I hope his pep talk worked ;)

Sunday, October 23, 2011


So tomorrow morning is the IUI. I am so ready for it to be over with! Last time we had the IUI it was painful for me, so I am hoping tomorrow it will not be as bad. I gave myself the trigger shot last night at 7 PM.. which I am pretty sure has hit my system full speed ahead at this point because I am feeling nauseous this evening. I have also had a killer headache for the past few days (pretty sure it is from the dexamethasone). I am thinking that if we are unsuccessful this time that I may see if we can change my medications next month. These meds are doing a number on my body. I have sleeplessness, hot flashes, night sweats, nausea, headaches, and indigestion! Oh and did I mention my ovaries are killing me? lol.. I am such a cry baby!

Anyway, enough with the complaining I suppose.. I am thankful we have this opportunity and I am excited to see if it works this time. I am not expecting anything, but it would be a wonderful surprise if in 2 weeks time I found out I'm pregnant. I am still trying to decide how exactly I am going to tell Matt if I am.. and how we are going to tell our families and friends. I think after all this time and because everyone knows what we are doing it will be difficult to do anything too special, especially since our families do not live near us. But hey, maybe if we are SUPER lucky we'll have more than one baby in there and we could do something special for that.

OK pizza is here for dinner! Time to eat, relax for a bit, and then off to bed early tonight. We have to be up before 3 AM again. I'll update again tomorrow with how the IUI went.

Friday, October 21, 2011


Pinterest is an addiction and I have so many ideas in my head of crafts I would like to do! I could spend a lot at a craft store right now on supplies. I already have ideas for a nursery, whether we end up with a boy or a girl and I can't wait to get started on those.. eventually! Today, I want to make this cool headband I found:

Source: via Ashlyn on Pinterest

cool, huh?!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

CD 12

So, I had another appointment in San Antonio this morning. We got up bright and early at 3AM (and on top of that I couldn't sleep last night for some reason) so I am pretty sleepy today. We got to the hospital and went upstairs to have my blood work done. I had the same guy that drew my blood last time and he's pretty awesome.. can't even feel the needle touch me when he does it! Anyway, after that we go downstairs to the infertility clinic and went back to a room to wait for the doctor to come do the ultrasound.  Unfortunately, the doctor I like was not the one who walked through the door.. it was this lady who really gets under my skin. She is just not a very positive person. OK, now to the good stuff. As of this morning I had one follicle on my left side that was at 13mm and two on my right side, one at 15.7mm and one at 13mm. I also had a bunch of cysts that were less than 10 on both sides, but those aren't important because they are always there since I have PCOS. I am pleased because I was hoping to have at least one at 15 or greater today and I did :) I am giving myself the trigger shot on Saturday night at 7PM and the IUI is going to be Monday morning at 7AM. Follicles are considered mature around 18mm and they grow around 2mm a day so by the time I trigger Saturday night I think I'll have 3 mature follicles.. two around 19? and one around 22? I don't know.. that is just a guessing game really and I'll never know for sure. I'm just hoping for the best! More targets = better chances of at least catching ONE of those eggs. I will say that I am feeling much  more relaxed about everything this time around since I have already been through this before. The first time I had my hopes up so high because everything seemed so perfect and when it failed I was an emotional wreck. This time around I'm feeling positive, but not overly positive. I am keeping myself in check and just hoping for the best. Whatever will be, will be. I'm done trying to dissect every little thing that happens with my body and trying to plan for anything. We're doing the best we can and that's all there is to it. It is in God's timing and I am trying my very hardest to remind myself of that every day.

I did see 3 shooting stars this morning on the way to the hospital! Hey, I don't believe in good luck, but I'll take whatever positive affirmation I can get :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

CD 8

So, I guess it is time for another update. I am on CD 8 now and tomorrow is my last day taking 150mg of Clomid. I am taking dexamethasone again this cycle and I continue taking that up until we do the trigger shot. Our next appointment is on Thursday (CD 12) so *hopefully* all goes well and we have some nice big follicles and can schedule the IUI. I am guessing, based on the last cycle we did IUI, that the IUI will end up being sometime this next weekend, possibly Sunday? I am so nervous, anxious, and just a bunch of different emotions. I don't know how to feel because I don't want to get my hopes up again, and yet I also want to stay positive. I guess we will see what happens! As far as side effects this month - I have hot flashes, mood swings, and my ovaries are beginning to hurt so I know SOMETHING must be going on down there. Anyway, not much else to update on tonight, but I will update this again on Thursday after my appointment. No one really reads this, but this is more for me than anyone else. It is nice to look back on where we've been and have a record of everything. Hopefully soon this blog will turn into pregnancy updates and belly pictures. Fingers crossed!

Monday, October 3, 2011

It's October!

I love October! It is one of my favorite months. Why? I'm not quite sure, but it is. Maybe because it is when the weather starts cooling down more and fall shows up. I love summer, but after living in Texas .. I think I am more fond of fall. So what's new with the McPhersons this week? Let's see - Matt currently has a kidney stone :\ poor guy! and I started a babysitting job. Nothing too exciting going on besides that. Until this weekend when we have family coming into town. Matt's mom, brother, grandma, and aunt are all coming to stay with us for a few days and it should be a good time all around. As far as things in the infertility world, I am currently taking Provera to start my next cycle. I have to take that for 10 days and I am on day 7 so we are looking at going to San Antonio early next week to begin our next treatment cycle :) I am excited to finally get the ball rolling again! We haven't really been able to do much since the last IUI and that cycle ended at the end of July.. so 2 months of just waiting around for the next thing. I am relieved to finally be getting back into it. I have to admit, it was nice to have a break at first and I think it was good for my body to give it a break from everything. Unfortunately, the past few weeks have just been irritating and not quite as relaxing because I have started to get more anxious and impatient again. Anyway, that's about it for today. Now I must finish a 6 page paper for class, do some cleaning, and then off to babysit this afternoon. Sounds like high school again, lol.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


So, I have decided that I truly have a desire to educate people about infertility, and about their bodies in general. It amazes me how much people really do not know about their own bodies. I find this especially true for women. I had to write a paper for class this past week about business to consumer messages. I chose to use the advertisements for the "Increase Your Chances" campaign for my paper. The ads are essentially about a couple named Neil and Karen (a bird and a bee) who are experiencing trouble conceiving. I find these entertaining and  I can relate to them, so I thought it would be an interesting topic to write about. While doing some research on the advertisements and upon finishing an article, I found some pretty nasty comments from readers in response to the topic. They don't understand and they judge those who choose to take drugs in order to get pregnant. The problem is that our culture only hears of the EXTREME cases, like John & Kate Plus 8 and the OctoMom. Truth is, infertility treatments are a very monitored thing! The majority of doctors out there are responsible and they will not carry out a cycle if there is a risk of a high number of multiples. Now, when it comes to IVF you choose how many embryos you want to have transferred and I have not heard of a doctor transferring more than 3 at one time. Why is infertility still such a taboo topic? It happens to 1 out of 8 couples (although it may not seem that way) and chances are you probably know someone who is going through it. Why the insensitivity? People truly do not understand why us infertiles go through the treatments we go through and subject our bodies to the fertility drugs and procedures. Why don't we just adopt? It's not that simple! Sure, at some point we would love to adopt and we will probably adopt even if we do succeed in having our own children, but right now we are putting all our energy into creating a life that is biologically ours. I want to experience a pregnancy. I want to look down at that little baby in my arms after giving birth and feel that pure joy and say that he/she has their daddy's eyes or my ears. Bring ON the typical things that pregnant women complain about... the morning sickness, heartburn, back pain... I don't care. Sure, a couple years ago I probably would not have enjoyed those things, but at this point all those symptoms sound beautiful to me.

Anyway, this really is only scratching the surface and I just wanted to vent. I'm really thinking of writing a book!

Monday, September 26, 2011

mercies in diguise

I'm hurting today. I'm feeling even more frustrated and just want to 'get the show on the road' and get back to treatments. Not much to say today - just listening to 'Blessings' by Laura Story and trying to remember this has all got to be for a reason and part of God's plan... even if it makes no sense to me now, and maybe never will.

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep  
We pray for healing, for prosperity  
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while You hear each spoken need  
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?  
What if a thousand sleepless nights  
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life  
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love  
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough  
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?  
And what if a thousand sleepless nights  
Are what it takes to know You're near?  
And what if trials of this life  
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home  
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops  
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life  
Is the revealing of a greater thirst  
This world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life  
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights  
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Frustration and Impatience

Today I am frustrated and I just need to let it out. I am getting so sick of my body and having PCOS! This may be TMI, but if anyone reads this that has PCOS.. they would understand what I mean. It seems that my body is determined to not do anything I want it to. When I don't want my period and want it to stay away in hopes to be pregnant.. it shows up! When I actually WANT it to start (so I can move on from this 'break' and get back to the treatments..) it is no where to be found! It should have shown up by now, but it hasn't. I am so sick of this. I'm becoming impatient and am sick of waiting and I'm sick of all the trying and trying to conceive with no luck at all. When is it my turn? Really... I can't even get on facebook anymore without holding back tears over ultrasound pictures, pregnancy announcements, baby pictures.. I am tempted to delete my facebook, but I can't seem to bring myself to do that. I care about my friends lives and want to know what is going on with them, and it is nothing against anyone.. I just HURT. I feel like less of a woman because the one thing that woman are designed to do.. you know, reproduce! I can't even do! I can't just give my husband a child like most other women can... and I hate it. I hate feeling this way and feeling like less of a woman than I am. Ok, rant over. I'm just very emotional this week.. hopefully it means AF is on her way SOON...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Just another day in the 'Great Place'

Today has been insane. It started at 0500 this morning when Matt woke up and realized he had washed his last good pair of ACUs with a charcoal lined hunting jacket. The result was ACUs covered in charcoal (looked like charcoal dust). His pants, top, shirt, PC... covered! So, as Matt went off to work in another pair of ACUs; I got to work! I was super wife and managed to get all the stains out, re-wash and dry his clothes before he got home at 0800. Woo hoo! So that was incident #1 for the day. Incident #2 was that once again the person Matt is supposed to be doing road guard duty with failed to show up! He never shows up and Matt has repeatedly asked for someone more responsible to do this detail with him, but they fail to listen. Well, this morning was no different. The guy didn't show up and they had someone else fill in last minute, but the guy that was filling in couldn't do it for the entire time because he had an appointment. Well, go figure that as soon as the one guy left and Matt was alone.. along comes the division sergeant major! He wasn't too happy that Matt didn't have his battle buddy with him and Matt ended up having to go to the guy's office at 0900. Luckily, he did not get in trouble (not that he should have considering it was not his fault). Incident #2 over! Now, on to incident #3! After lunch I noticed a sign on our front door from Animal Control. It stated that they had my stray animal in their custody. My immediate response was to check to see if Kylee was still in the backyard and Hunter was still in the house; they both were. I called the number for Animal Control and let them know what I had received and that it must be some mistake because I had both of my animals. They said it was my lab, whose microchip linked him to us. SERGEANT! Apparently he was found wandering around one of the schools on post. I explained to the lady that he was no longer our dog and that we had given him to friends, who then had to give him to another family because he was over the weight limit they were allowed to have for animals. Sergeant was still our legal responsibility though because his microchip was in our name (we forgot to change that when we gave him away). Poor puppy was in the pound!  We went and picked him up and now have him at our home again. Apparently the people that were currently responsible for him were poor pet owners and we are suspicious of a few things. He has some sores on his belly and he is dirty and acting strangely. What a day it has been!! I just hope these people own up for what they did and pay for the fines we had to take care of. On a good note - we got our valued customer credit from Sprint because we had switched over our number to them and don't have to pay our phone bill this time :)

Just another day in the life of the McPhersons!

Sunday, August 21, 2011


So the first IUI did not work.. and now we are in limbo until we can try again. I was out of town for 2 weeks and now we're taking a month off so I can have a mental/physical break. The problem is that I do not think I ever truly get a mental break. Why does my heart have to hurt so bad? One day I'm fine and the next I feel so depressed that I don't want to get out of bed. Today is one of those yucky days :\ Oh well, at least I made it to the couch!

Thursday, July 28, 2011


I am beginning to get frustrated. It has now been 15 days since the IUI and I am still getting negative tests.. and no sign of my period in sight. What the heck?! I feel like I should have gotten one or the other by now and now I am just in limbo. My doctor never scheduled a beta to be done and I am thinking of calling them to see if they can put one in for me. I leave to go out of town for 2 weeks in another 3 days so I would like to have somewhat of a clue as to what is going on before I leave. I just want an answer!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I'm pretty sure my heart can't take much more of this. I am so done with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. I want to kick and scream about how unfair it is. I would be a good mother and I know Matt would make a great father - so why? Why has 21 months of trying not resulted in a pregnancy? Why must I sit here and watch friend after friend conceive and give birth while I am still waiting and waiting for it to happen for us. My heart breaks! I get my hopes up and then they get crushed again with every failed cycle. I was so sure this IUI was going to work. I cried tears of happiness when we left the doctor after the IUI. We were positive this was it and we had done it. But here I am.. 13 days later and NO sign of any test turning positive anytime soon. I feel like having a meltdown. I just don't understand.. I really don't. Please God send me a miracle ...........

Sunday, July 24, 2011

11dpiui & feeling negative

Today is 11 days past when I had the IUI and the hope that I had before is going away pretty quickly.. Tested this morning and negative! :( I know it's still early, but I was hoping that something would show up by now. Two weeks ago - I was positive that this was going to be it and I felt it in with everything in me, and now I'm not so sure. So I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse so that I can move on and keep going. Matt doesn't understand why I am already thinking ahead to what is next, but I can't help it. I guess thinking ahead and planning makes me feel like I have SOME control over this whole situation.. which he time and again reminds me that I don't. Just trying to trust God and hold on to hope.. praying for a miracle. I want to see 2 lines so bad!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


So, we finally were able to have an IUI done this month after being cancelled last month due to no response from the Clomid. This time (instead of trying injectables like I thought we were going to) we upped my dosage of Clomid to 150mg on days 4-8 (not sure why we did them on 4-8 instead of the typical 3-7 or 5-9) and I was put on dexamethasone from days 4-14. I was nervous that it wasn't going to work, but low and behold, it did! I believe the dexamethasone made a huge difference for me and allowed the Clomid to work :) I was a little worried before my CD13 ultrasound because I was in a lot of pain around CD9 and thought I was hyper-stimulating. I had to lay in bed all day and use a heating pad.. that's how bad it was! I was also a little concerned I was about to ovulate super early, but I didn't. On July 11th (CD13) I had an ultrasound and they found a bunch of follicles and I was threatened with another cancelled cycle - depending on how my E2 levels looked when the labs came back. I had two 18mm follicles, a 15mm follicle, I think a 12mm follicle, a 10mm follicle, and a bunch that were less than 10. My thinking was that it wasn't too bad and I prayed HARD that my levels would come back alright so I could trigger and move on with the IUI. Well MIRACLE.. my E2 levels came back and weren't as high as the doctor thought they could be and she instructed me to trigger that night at 7PM and to come back Wednesday morning (the 13th) at 7AM for IUI. I had never given myself a shot before and I had a lot of anxiety in the minutes leading up to it, but once I did it - it wasn't that bad! I felt like super woman after that. I give props to the ladies who give themselves shots every day for injectable IUI cycles and IVF cycles. I do think that if I need to move forward to the next step ever, that I could do it. Anyway, Tuesday night we made the 3 hour drive to San Antonio so we could spend the night and get the rest before the IUI the next morning. We had to be there at 6AM and did not want to get up in the middle of the night this time. It was nice to get a little extra sleep for once. Once we got there and were waiting in the room - I just prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed that hubbys sample would come back with good numbers and that this would work for us. After 21 months - I am just ready for a miracle to happen! The doctor came in and (yay) we had 32 or 33 mil post wash. WOO HOO!! The actual IUI was painful for me and I was glad when it was over. I got to lay there for 20 mins and then we left. Now it has been a waiting game. The two week wait is horrible! I just want to know if this worked and if I am finally going to be a mommy. I hate to get my hopes up, but for the first time in quite a while - they are. And I know if this fails I am going to be crushed. I am being so greedy as to actually be hoping for twins. Hey, a girl can dream ;) I guess we'll find out the beginning of next week if our dreams are finally going to come true.. Praying!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It is now the end of June and things have been up and down since the last post. The day after I last posted, my brother-in-law passed away. It has been a very difficult period in our family's life since then. My dad has also continued to battle cancer, and is now about to have surgery at the beginning of July to hopefully remove the lymph nodes from behind his kidneys. Matt and I have still been trying to have a baby, too. I had surgery in April that corrected a septate uterus and looked for possible endometriosis (which I did not have, thank God!). We finally got to begin our first IUI cycle at the beginning of this month, but it was cancelled because there was no progress being made with my follicles. They were not responding to the medication and did not grow. So, I just finished taking medication to start a new cycle and begin again. Hopefully in the next few days we will be able to see the doctor again and HOPEFULLY make some progress. I am so ready for a miracle in our lives. I have struggled a lot with feeling jealous of others  because they have something I want and it comes so easily for them. I am happy for my friends that have conceived and have their children, but it hurts to watch so many around me experience this miracle that I am trying so hard for! It just seems unfair at times. I don't think I will ever fully understand why we must go through so much pain to start our family. I'm tired of having a heavy heart.. even though I pray about it every day and try to hand it over to God. Most days are good, but some days just stink! Today is one of those days (probably because of all the hormones!). Is it OK to kick and scream on occasion? Because that is how I feel at the moment.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Only one thing to say:

end of story.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

'CANCER' is an ugly word

     On January 13th, We found out my dad has cancer. It sucks. We knew it was a possibility, but actually hearing the word 'cancer' stings. He went through his first round of chemo from January 20th until the 24th and is now resting before the next round. It scares me, but we have a lot of friends and family praying for him and for us, and it is reassuring. I am thankful to be serving such a mighty God! I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my faith in Him. That is what gives me my strength. A lot of people have commented lately on my strength through the trials we have all endured (especially in the last 6 months!) and I can honestly say that I alone am NOT a strong person. The only reason I have strength at all is because of God.
    Now, on to another (and more positive) subject. Next week Matt comes home from JRTC :) I am very excited to see my hubby! We also get to begin our IUI cycle next week and I am very much looking forward to it. It is going to be a long month, yes, but I believe it will be a good one. A month filled with hope at least! I am just praying the big cyst I had is gone, or at least small enough to move forward without surgery. I'm not too worried about it though.
     I would like to address one other thing as it relates to our infertility journey. I received the sweetest message last night from a friend who is about halfway through her pregnancy and is yet to share the news with the world. She took my feelings into consideration and wanted me to know before I found out another way. She didn't have to do that, but she did, and it meant a lot. She let me know how my struggles have helped her through her pregnancy as it was a surprise at first and she had to learn to accept the baby that is on the way. All I have to say is WOW.. Thank you God for using me and my hardships to bless someone else! It helped me in ways she probably will never know, because it allowed me to accept what is and to realize there truly is a reason behind all of this. :) God is so good! I hope He can continue to use me in a way to inspire others and hopefully soon as a way of HOPE as hopefully we'll get good news at some point (and we will)!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

23 - Welcome!

Today is my 23rd birthday. It has been just a normal day for the most part, but I am happy to welcome a new age and a new year in my life. I am visiting with my family in Michigan right now because Matt is away at JRTC (pre-deployment training) for a month in Louisiana. They are scheduled to deploy again in May, although we are unsure at this point whether or not Matt will be going. I am hoping he doesn't have to go, but I am alright with it if he has to. We've already been through a deployment before and I know what to expect this time around if he goes. I am sure it will still be difficult,and I am not looking forward to it, but at this point it hasn't hit me that there is even a possibility. Anyway, in the fertility world, this is what is going on..

This past cycle has been a mess! I am officially LATE and no period in sight (TMI for some I am sure, sorry). The problem is that there is no positive test in sight either... so I am pretty sure that my PCOS is messing up my hormones again and I either didn't ovulate, or I ovulated late.. not sure. I haven't taken any medication since November's cycle so that could be why. At this point, I just wish it would start so I can take my birth control pills, get my hormones in sync and hopefully get rid of the cyst that the doctor's want gone before we proceed with the IUI next month. I am supposed to take them, and then get off of them in a few weeks when Matt gets back home. I am anxious and ready for February to start. I am nervous about giving myself injections (needs to go in the abdomen) and then the HCG trigger shot which is an intramuscular shot that is 1 1/2 inches long... ouch! Not sure I can do that to myself.. going to need help for that one! Ready to get this show on the road... here's to hoping it works! (But not TOO well because I don't want 6 babies.... lol)

WELCOME 23rd year of my life ... Let's make this one good!