No longer TTC

Well, trying to have a baby is officially on hold for I don't know how long. Infertility has taken its toll on my marriage and we have some things to work out. I hate that it is this way, but there isn't much to say or do about it. It's bad enough that we have had to deal with such a horrible thing, but for it to affect our relationship? I can't help but feel a little bitter. I love my hubby very much.

Update

I haven't updated in a while and that is because the past week or so has been difficult. We went back to San Antonio to start another cycle of treatment only to discover that I have a large cyst on my ovary and we are out for this month. I cried right there in the doctor's office. It was very disappointing and I was frustrated. I just want things to go right for once! Can't my body cooperate and do what it is supposed to do?! The clinic closes down for two weeks over Christmas and they want to get one more IUI in before then so we will really be pushing it to do that. Hopefully things work out though and we are able to. Anyway, so that is where we are at right now. Waiting....
I also have been experiencing a lot of pain because of this cyst and even made an emergency room trip in fear that it had ruptured. It hadn't and it is still there. Please pray that it goes away soon on its own so we can move on with things and so I can get rid of this pain!

On the plus side, next week is Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I wish we were able to go home and be with our families, but we will be with our Army family and enjoying the day with the Smith's. Just like we have for the past 3 years! I love that family though and consider them family even if it is not by blood. We will be very sad to leave them when we move in a few months.

And drumroll please....

NEGATIVE. So, it's back to San Antonio tomorrow to start all over again. Maybe the third time will be a charm :\ I'm not going to get upset over this and I'm just going to keep on, keepin' on. What else is there to do anyway?

14dpiui

So it looks like I have the flu! My fever went up after I posted yesterday and I've had a hard time getting rid of it since .. yuck! :( Test was still negative this morning, but I just had a blood test done so we'll see what that says. I'm not counting on anything, but I guess we will see what happens. Time for a nap and some tylenol!

13dpiui

Today I am 13dpiui. Yesterday, at 12dpiui Matt and I went down to Austin to do some shopping and get out of Killeen for the day. We went to the Iguana Grill for dinner (LOVE that place!) and as we were about finished I felt an all too familiar feeling, panicked and ran to the restroom. Sure enough... blood! :( It was only spotting though and nothing bright red so I'm not completely giving up hope yet. It is just funny because only about 10 minutes before that I had told Matt that I felt like my period was coming. I haven't had much spotting since and only a little bit today. I just wish I knew if it was the beginning of my period or if it happens to be implantation bleeding. The problem is that I need an answer soon because I am supposed to count the first day of spotting as the 1st day of my cycle and I would need to go back to San Antonio by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest to begin again. We went and stocked up on some more First Response tests today so I could test today and tomorrow and see if anything comes up. I am probably going to call my clinic in the morning and see if they can have a blood test put in for me so we can get some kind of an answer. Why can't this just be simple? Why do I have to have another brain tease thrown in? lol! Only me, right? I also woke up this morning with a wonderful cold.. sore throat, stuffy, body aches and a lowgrade ever at 99 F.

In other news, Matt is outside making a dog house for Kylee and I am going to paint it red. I'm not sure if I will be up for it today, but maybe tomorrow. I think he is having a fun being manly and using power tools ;) The neighbor even came by to see what's going on. MEN!! hehe

Update again soon.. hopefully with some 'positive' news!

Can you say EMOTIONAL?!

11dpiui

Get me off this crazy roller coaster! I am so done with this. Today, I am extremely emotional and I really am not even sure why. I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment. I'm tired! I tested earlier and it was negative... I am so sick of seeing one pink line!!!! I know it's still early and things could change, but as of right now I am discouraged and fed up. I feel like everything has failed again. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel the opposite, but right now this is how I feel....negative. I'm just way too emotional and I know it is from all these raging hormones in my body. I just want to scream.

That is all I wanted to write right now.... just needed to VENT!

My 'unconventional' way of thinking

This may seem a little odd to some, but I want to share something.
Yesterday, on my way to pick up the kids I babysit from school, God and I had a little talk. I thanked Him for my struggles. This may sound strange, but I feel like I have been given a blessing by having to deal with infertility. I feel like I was chosen to experience a miracle and to share with everyone my journey so that they too can see what God can do. I may struggle, but I have also grown because of this. I will never take for granted the miracle that is conception. Every single child that is born is a miracle. I have learned so much about the human body in the past couple years. It truly is amazing. I know Matt has also learned a lot (and probably more than he ever has wanted to know! lol). I feel lucky because when I finally do get pregnant, it is going to be that much more special for us. Not only has God given me this opportunity for growth and to hopefully experience a miracle, but my marriage has had the opportunity to become stronger. Infertility can certainly wear on a couple's marriage, but for us it has only brought us closer. Matt has been there every step of the way and he is so supportive. I know this is also hard on him, but he still tries to see things from my point of view, too. He listens. He has been at every single appointment and he tells me how proud he is of me for putting my body through all of this in hopes of giving us a child. I could not ask for a better partner to go through life's ups and downs with. I believe that we are going to be better parents for going through this. I feel more prepared than I was at the beginning of our journey and since it has taken so long, we have had a lot of time to discuss how we want to raise our children. So, thank you God for our hardships because on the other side of this is a blessing. I have already been blessed in so many ways. God can take any hard time in your life, any struggle, and turn it around and use it for His glory and to bless you. One of my favorite verses is Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time." It has always been true in my life, and I hope others can look at theirs and see that it is true for them, too.

10dpiui - Symptoms?

Ok, so I am 10 days past my IUI right now and 12 days past my trigger shot. I am having some "symptoms" but I do not know if it is still from the trigger shot, if they could be real pregnancy symptoms, or if it is from something else entirely. I am jotting these down just in case we are successful this month because I want to remember what I was feeling. I have had horrible migraine headaches for a while now (I am certain these are from all the hormones I've been taking and not pregnancy?) I am hoping that they go away soon, but with my luck I will be stuck with migraines during the entire first trimester with nothing but tylenol. Ah! I also have sore breasts (I know.. TMI for some reading this I am sure.. but I again, I want to jot down all my 'symptoms') and this morning I woke up and I have been feeling the oddest little twinges in my uterus? I have no idea! I've been a good girl and have not tested early so we will see how well I hold out in the next few days! Only a few more days to go!! Monday is 14dpiui, but I'll probably test Saturday or Sunday just to see.... OH and I have a great idea to surprise my husband if I do end up being pregnant, hehe. But I don't want to write it on here in case he checks the blog. Let's just say, I plan on recording his reaction to the news if all goes well. Keep praying please! I believe miracles happen and maybe this is my turn for one :)