Pity Party for One

I'm ridiculous. I can't seem to keep it together anymore. I guess I am just at my wit's end now that we are on our 14th cycle of trying to conceive, and I keep hearing more and more news of friend's becoming pregnant. I am truly happy for my friends that have received the greatest blessing God can give.. I just want that blessing for myself and Matt as well. It doesn't make sense to me why we are going through all we have gone through. I have watched friends become pregnant and give birth all within the time we've been trying. March must have especially been a busy month for a lot of people, as December has been a month full of births! Miracles everywhere, but mine is no where in sight. I know that in February we will be moving on to the next step, but it's still hard to hang in there. Last month I was full of such hope and I swore it was going to be it.. and it wasn't. The pain I have felt during the past couple weeks is indescribable. My heart just hurts. I hate getting on Facebook these days because every time I log in I see an "I'm pregnant!", "It's a girl!", "It's a boy!", or an "I'm _ weeks ..". It's hard. Most things I write on Facebook now are negative, and I know that is probably obnoxious to a lot of people, but I can't seem to help it. It is what is on my mind. All I want is a baby.. nothing else. I knew our road to having a child would probably be hard, but I never knew it would be this difficult. On the up-side, I have an amazing husband who has been by my side through all of this. It is hard on him, too. I know that this type of thing can drive a wedge in many people's marriages, but it hasn't in ours and I am thankful for that. In fact, a lot of the things we have gone through this year could drive a wedge in a marriage. We have come out stronger. I have been so blessed with a husband who fits me so well. He is my best friend. I love you Matt.

Time for Something New

Well, we had our appointment at Wilford Hall down in San Antonio this past week. At the appointment we went over our medical history and what we have done so far during our journey trying to conceive. We discussed our next step, which is to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination), and the possibility of IVF (invitro fertilization) if the IUI does not work. I also had an ultrasound so the doctors could examine my cysts. I will always have cysts because of my PCOS, but apparently there is a cyst that is a decent enough size for them to want it removed. The solution they came up with is to put my on Birth Control for a month in hopes that the cyst goes away. I was not happy about this at all. Unfortunately, if the cyst does not go away I will have to have it surgically removed. Since Matt is going to be gone for a month in January they were going to have me stay on it until he gets back and then immediately go in to doing the IUI in February. I have decided not to take the birth control for December since Matt is still here. I am giving my body a chance to work itself out on it's own and giving us one last opportunity to conceive naturally. I believe that God can work miracles and I am not giving up hope that we could conceive this month. If we are not successful, then I will take the pill while Matt is gone. I am nervous about the cyst and hope that I will not have to have surgery, but I will do what I need to do. I am excited that we are getting somewhere though, and that we are finally able to try something new. I have not given up hope yet and am trying to remain as positive as I can be. This week has been a low one and I have had a few good cries, but I am ready to pick myself back up and move forward.



PS. My husband is the most awesome man in the entire world and I am so very grateful for him. He is my best friend and has been my rock. I am so blessed to have him as a partner and thank God every day for putting him in my life.

And to all who read this and have been praying for us and supporting us through this.. THANK YOU :)

Excited

I am super anxious for next week! I took my 7th round (pretty sure it was 7) of Clomid this month and did the Clomid Challenge for Wilford Hall. The Clomid Challenge measures your FSH and Estradiol levels on Day 3 and Day 10  (Clomid days 5 - 9) and your progesterone levels on Day 23.. and if everything goes well a pregnancy test on day 35. Everything looks GREAT!! My FSH levels were well within range, and Day 10's level was lower than Day 3's. My Estradiol level was 48 on Day 3 (good!) and well... it jumped to 570 by Day 10!? Not sure if this is good or bad.. but it's high. It's no wonder these pills make me feel the way they do. Anyway, on Day 23 I had my Progesterone level done to see if I had ovulated. Anything over 10 indicates ovulation, and when my doctor called me yesterday it was 54! That's really high. She said I definitely ovulated. I am wondering if this is a good sign. I hope so. Maybe there is more than one.. hmm. All I know is that a level of 54 means there is more than enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. Now all we can do is wait. Prayers please!! I really want my Christmas miracle.

The Holidays & HOPE

I can not believe it is almost the end of November already! A week from today is Thanksgiving and Matt and I will be enjoying that day with the Smiths. Unfortunately, every other plan we attempted to make for Thanksgiving has fallen through, but luckily we have some great friends to spend the day with. I am especially looking forward to the day after Thanksgiving so I can decorate for Christmas. I am anxious to get the tree up and enjoy the pretty lights for a couple weeks before we head to Charlotte. What a year this has been! It's hard to believe that Matt and I are coming up on 2 years of marriage next month and that in a couple weeks we will officially have been trying to have a baby for an entire year. I thought I would have gotten pregnant a long time ago. Heck, I thought I would have already gone through an entire pregnancy and we'd be celebrating Christmas with a newborn. Unfortunately, that is not the case. What is possible is that we could be celebrating a pregnancy by Christmas. I am hoping and praying with everything in me that this month will be it. I have had this feeling inside of me that it will happen this month. I felt the strongest sense of peace at the beginning of this month and it has made me feel a lot better about everything. I just sensed that God was telling me that everything was going to work out. I feel like this part of our journey may finally be over. I HOPE! I'm even going to hold out until December 13th to take a test (well, maybe) because that is the day Matt came home from Iraq last year. I think it would be awesome to find out on that day, and what would make it even better is it would be coming just in time for our anniversary on December 22nd and Christmas. I'm not going to get my hopes up too high, but hey, it's Christmas time anything can happen, right?! Here's to hope! That is what the season is all about anyway. :)

You know, it's funny how something so small can be so hard to make. Yet with patience and dedication you can master it and make it great. Tying a fly is similar to a marriage, it takes work but with work makes something beautiful and worth the time and effort. There always seems to be something new to deal with, but being married to Kristen has made me not want to run from problems but face them head on. It's amazing how a great woman can change you for the better. That is why I love her so much. God could not have blessed me with a better wife. I love you baby, forever and always

Todays news(from Matt)

Well after meeting with the Doctor, I realize that a chapter of my life may come to an end. I realized that becouse of my accident, my time in the Army may be cut short. It wasn't the news that I wanted to hear but at the same time it was. I surely can't say i did have a great run. I have done more while in the Army as an Infantrymen. I have worked with a platoon of men that I xan never forget. Having Kristen in my life while in the Army has been like having an angel beside me. Without her in my life I wouldn't be the man I am today. She is so supportive and careing not only for the past few months, but thoughout our marrage. I also know my family, my side and Kristens, are so supportive and praying for us. I know that all I need is to put my faith in God and take the path he has set for me.

-Matt

Life Changes

The next two weeks will provide some answers for Matt & I. On Tuesday, Matt has an appointment with his surgeon to find out what we will do next. We will find out then if there will be another surgery (which we are actually pulling for so that he can start making progress). If he has the surgery to straighten his leg out then hopefully he will be able to start walking again (slowly). We are praying for the best news possible. Surgery could mean Matt will be getting medically discharged, but that may not be such a bad thing. Next week, on the 18th, I have an appointment that will give us some answers about a few things. It could be very exciting, or very disappointing. I guess we will see! We are praying that there will be some fantastic news after this appointment. Changes, changes, changes.. I'm ready to figure out what is next for us.

Well it's that time again..

     I hate this time of the month. It is the week where we find out if we were successful in conceiving this month or not. Obviously, we have not been so far. (Well, last month was just a mess..). I learned not to test so early though so that I do not get let down by catching a chemical pregnancy. So, in a couple of days I get to find out! Not feeling very hopeful, but you never know.      Anyway, I am finally getting over my sickness :) Very happy about that. Next week I have a dentist appointment (which I am not looking forward to, because I was supposed to have a crown done back in March and never did, and now my teeth have been hurting pretty bad the past few days. Matt says I've been grinding my teeth even more than I usually do, too. Great.) The week after, on the 12th, Matt has an appointment with his doctor to follow up on his leg. Unfortunately, since he has not had much improvement in getting it straighter, he is probably going to need another surgery. This could mean a lot of changes for us in the near future. The Army will probably medically discharge him if he has another surgery. So, I guess we will see what happens. It is in God's hands. Also, Matt has been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. He has not been able to sleep at night and it is starting to get to him. Prayers are welcome :)

Rough Day

First day back at work today. There are so many new guys, its just not the same. Thinking that i may need another surgery. That might be the straw that breaks the camels back. I wish my leg would just go back the way it was, and i could go right back to work and do what i do best. I guess i am afraid of what might happen to me if i need another surgery. It may end my militery career. I am just going to pray and see what happens. It werid the job i am good at might end for me for some very stupid thing i did. I wish i could go back 6 weeks and be smarter than i was. It was so hard to watch my Bradley, my crew, and the rest of my platton drive off without me. Its seems so hard to get back up after you fall. But as Sergent Davis told me, "its not how hard you fall, but how you get back up".

-Matt

Dr. Appointments

Yuck. I have been sick for the past week and it stinks :( It's gotten to the point where I've lost my voice from coughing too much and my ribs are hurting. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon though, because I want to start back to work. Tomorrow is supposed to be Matt's first day back at the company so we will see how that goes. He still needs to go see his doctor tomorrow morning. I just wish the poor guy could sleep! Nothing seems to work for him.
    Anyway, this morning I had an appointment at the Women's Clinic on post with our the doctor we have been seeing for infertility. Her name is Dr. Hayes and she has been wonderful so far. Unfortunately, the computers were down and she was unable to do anything for us today. She did call back later on and let us know that she put in another referral for Wilford Hall (located in San Antonio - they have reproductive endocrinologists there that can do more complex things for us such as IUI and IVF, which I am sure a lot of people have no idea what those are, lol). We also were able to let her know about the chemical pregnancy we had last month. I told her about the times I left messages for her to call me and she says she never got the messages (which I figured). So she is putting in lab work for me to have a pregnancy test done (? Not sure why at this point? ) and to do a Clomid Challenge (taking Clomid just like I have been, but they are going to  do lab work on various days of the month. I have to have this done to bring to Wilford Hall when we go). Matt also has to have some tests re-done as well.
  Besides that, nothing else is really new. I am ready to get back to school and back to work. I need to start my next class online (University of Phoenix) so I can finally finish my degree. I have about 8 classes left.


PS I can not wait to go to Charlotte for Christmas! On the plus side, Matt and I are discussing what we want to do for our anniversary this year. We are talking about getting away for a couple nights for it, so we will see! I can't believe it has almost been 2 years already. :)

My heart aches

   My heart aches. The past 5 1/2 weeks have been so difficult. As if Matt's accident wasn't hard enough, the joy and then devastation of losing a pregnancy just sent me over the edge. I want a baby so badly. That is what I want more than anything else right now; I want to start our family. It is hard for me to comprehend why it has to be such a struggle. There have been moments when I (shamefully) have questioned God and the purpose of all this. I question why any un-wed, teenage girl can jump in the back seat of a car and have a child and yet it 'is not my time'. Why them? Why the girls who get pregnant and then simply terminate it? That makes me cringe. In fact, since I am on the subject of teenage mothers, let me say this. I hate the fact that the media almost glamorizes teenage pregnancy. Shows like 'Teen Mom' lead others to think that it is a cool thing to do . That they will get attention by having a baby. Look at almost any magazine cover and you will see headlines about who is pregnant and who wants a baby. When Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant it was on all the magazines. Why? Babies are now a 'fad' in our society. Remember when all the celebrities carried little dogs around in their purses? Now they are carrying around babies on their hips. I know, I know, I am being negative. Life is just not fair all the time. 'Who ever said life would be fair? If it was fair it wouldn't be called life'. Yeah, I know.  Please Lord, any time now would be a great time for a surprise. I don't want to go through another month of disappointments.

- Kristen

Matt's 2nd blog

This stinks, I have come to a cross road, and I like what is down each path. Down one road I stay where I am with the job I have. I have a home and a steady job. Down the other road I could go to school and start a whole new life. The big thing is I will never know which is better but I should never question if I picked the right road. The only right thing to do is put my faith in God, and He will show me where He needs me to be. Oh well, I am just going to pray hard about it and wait to see what God shows me.

-Matt

Matts first blog

Ok, this is my first time writing on a blog. So after hitting the 5 week anniversary of shooting my own leg, I realize that there is nothing in this world that I will let slow down my recovery. My wounds are healing, but my foot still hurts. I haven't used a wheelchair in over a week. The only way I could have been as strong as I have been is because my wife has never stopped telling me to keep going and have faith. Kristen has been there the whole time, from when it happened till now. I refused to go into my first surgery until I was able to see my wife. While waiting, the chaplain looked at me and said "Must be a special girl" and I said "She is my wife. I need to see her." God has blessed me with an angel, and for some reason she loves a skinny,redneck army guy. People really don't know what they have until the hard times show them just how much another person can love them. On another note, still have NOT been fishing since all this happened. Kristen wants to go fishing and wants to take the dog. I also want to thank every one that prayed for me while I was in the hospital. It meant a lot to Kristen and I. It's hard to believe that all the stuff that happened 5 weeks ago actually happened.

My first Blog Post

 So, I decided to create a blog. I love to write and figured it could be a good way to get my thoughts down and a way to document what is going on in our lives. I also want to be able to keep family and friends updated as to what is going on with us.
 Matt and I have gone through a lot in the short time we have been married. It is hard to believe we will be reaching the 2 year mark in only a few more months. December 22,2008 was one of the best days of our lives and we both feel blessed in the marriage we are in. God has certainly shown us just what we are capable of getting through. Three weeks after we were married, Matt deployed to Iraq. It was a hard year, but we grew closer together in the end and learned to appreciate each other even more. After he returned home in December of 2009, we decided that it was time to start our family. We found out earlier in the year while he was gone that it was most likely going to be a challenge for us to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in May 2009. PCOS stands for Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It is the number one cause of infertility in women and causes a number of issues in those who have it. I have since been medicated to help control the symptoms and because of the medication things have been more under control. Unfortunately, a couple months after we began trying to conceive, we found out that Matt had some issues with being infertile as well. It has been a struggle and we have gone through some heartbreak because of our difficulty in having a child. We want nothing more than to be parents and to teach our children about Jesus; raising them in a Christian home and watching them grow.
 We are now at a crossroads. Although we have only had a total of 10 cycles trying to conceive, 3 of which have been medicated cycles in which I have taken the fertility drug Clomid, we have decided to adopt. We are still going to continue trying for our own biological children, but feel in our hearts that adopting a child would be a huge blessing to both us and that child. We know it is going to be a lengthy process, and a costly one, and that is why we have decided to start now. As far as us trying to get pregnant, we are currently on a waiting list for a fertility clinic in San Antonio, Texas where we will discuss treatments such as IUIs and IVF. In the mean time, we are simply praying and are hoping that God will bless us with a little miracle. We know He is capable of giving us a child without the need for any treatment.