My heart aches. The past 5 1/2 weeks have been so difficult. As if Matt's accident wasn't hard enough, the joy and then devastation of losing a pregnancy just sent me over the edge. I want a baby so badly. That is what I want more than anything else right now; I want to start our family. It is hard for me to comprehend why it has to be such a struggle. There have been moments when I (shamefully) have questioned God and the purpose of all this. I question why any un-wed, teenage girl can jump in the back seat of a car and have a child and yet it 'is not my time'. Why them? Why the girls who get pregnant and then simply terminate it? That makes me cringe. In fact, since I am on the subject of teenage mothers, let me say this. I hate the fact that the media almost glamorizes teenage pregnancy. Shows like 'Teen Mom' lead others to think that it is a cool thing to do . That they will get attention by having a baby. Look at almost any magazine cover and you will see headlines about who is pregnant and who wants a baby. When Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant it was on all the magazines. Why? Babies are now a 'fad' in our society. Remember when all the celebrities carried little dogs around in their purses? Now they are carrying around babies on their hips. I know, I know, I am being negative. Life is just not fair all the time. 'Who ever said life would be fair? If it was fair it wouldn't be called life'. Yeah, I know. Please Lord, any time now would be a great time for a surprise. I don't want to go through another month of disappointments.