A very personal blog discussing some intimate thoughts..

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For the longest time, Matt and I have discussed the option of adoption. We have always said that we would love to adopt a child because we know we could give a child a wonderful, loving home. I want to put down in words some of my feelings, but I don't want to be judged because of them. There have been times when I have wondered what it would be like to adopt; how it would feel and if I could truly be satisfied with that answer to having our family. Would I really be a good mother? Would I be able to love that child as my own? I have wondered if I would have the same type of attachment to that child as I would if I were to give birth. I know the answer to these questions.. of course I would. I know I'd be able to love and care for a child I adopted just as I would any other child. So why do I worry? Is that a normal fear? Am I actually called to adopt? Part of me is scared of that answer. Yes, I would love to adopt.. but I also want a child that Matt and I created together. One that has his eyes and freckles, and my nose. I want to feel baby kicks inside of me and experience every ache,pain, and joy of pregnancy. I guess what I am scared of, is that God only wants us to adopt and never have our own biological child. Is that selfish? It makes me feel terrible to have those thoughts. It has always been our plan to adopt at some point. We figured we'd continue to try and have our own first, and then adopt later on. I'm so confused right now about what it is that I am meant to do. After three years of heartache and frustration, I am clueless. Everything we have been through to try and create our family has worn me out. No matter how hard I try to fight it there is always a pain inside of me that longs to be a mother. I feel like it is what I was born to do. I have countless friends who have told me that I would make a great mom and comment on how good I am with their kids. Why hasn't it happened? Am I being punished? I just wish I knew what the answers to these questions were.

Anyway, I am about halfway through my medications right now. I finish my pills tomorrow and begin the injections. My next appointment, as I mentioned in my previous blog, is on Wednesday. I am hoping that we receive good news and that the meds are working despite the cyst, but I am not sure what to expect. I always have hope though, because without hope.. what do you have?

CD 3 Appointment - Femara and Gonal-F

Yesterday was my CD 3 baseline blood work and ultrasound. Let's just say it did not go quite as expected. Unfortunately, I have another decent sized cyst on my left ovary. It is not quite as big as the one I had back in November that we got cancelled for, but it is big enough for us to get cancelled. As soon as they mentioned the size, I knew we were not going to be able to proceed this month. Wrong. So,the doctor said that because Matt is close to getting out of the Army and we do not have many more chances, that we could go ahead and try. He didn't think that the cyst was producing any hormones so it wouldn't be too big a problem. He did say that it was not ideal and that normally we would have to wait. We then discussed our new treatment plan. I know I mentioned before that I would be doing all injections this time around, but I was wrong. We are doing a combination. I will take Femara, just like I did last cycle, followed by Gonal-F injections. I am so excited that we get to try injectables! I'm also happy that we are doing the combination because I was worried about hyper-stimulating and producing too many follicles. Sweet!

Ok, so we were on our way home when the doctor called and said that my labs came back. My estrogen levels are way too high for the beginning of a cycle. The levels should be under 80 and mine are in the 200s. He said we could proceed and could try, but that I may not respond to the medications because of the cyst and the hormones it is putting out. Lovely! So, I'm a little concerned about this cycle. It seems to be a flop before it has even started. But, we will try and see what happens. My next appointment is April 4th (a week from today, on Wednesday). Fingers crossed that maybe it will work. We are quickly running out of time. Hey, every other cycle things seemed perfect and it didn't work. Maybe I needed things to seem bad so that it does.. ha

Well..

I never updated after the last IUI, but the results were what I expected.. negative. Another failed IUI. This one really messed with my head, too because my cycle did not start until 17dpiui! That never happens and it was strange. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever work for us, or if we need to seriously consider saving for IVF. I haven't updated my blog in a while because I have been a little down, plus we were out of town this past week. It has just been hard. The same week that we found out the IUI failed, there were 8 pregnancy announcements from friends. Really?! It drives me nuts. I don't mean to sound petty, but it seems like each time a treatment fails another flock of women announce they are expecting. I just want to be a mother. My heart aches and I am tired of disappointment. I'm also sick of everyone else's opinion or advice. If you don't know what I am going through and haven't been where I am .. Do not give me your opinion. I don't mean to sound mean, but it is frustrating. There are even certain family members who seem to think 'if we just stop trying it will happen'. Or people who think that somehow a treatment cycle 'cures' our issues and we can get pregnant without a problem. I'm sorry, but that is just not how it works. I wish it worked that way, but sadly, it does not.

Anyway, I just started taking Provera (yay for saving half of my last prescription for this very purpose (lol) ) and we should be starting another IUI cycle sometime next week I believe. This time will be a fully injectable cycle. I hope it helps. If not.. well, then I think we may start saving our money.