Saturday, March 31, 2012

A very personal blog discussing some intimate thoughts..

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For the longest time, Matt and I have discussed the option of adoption. We have always said that we would love to adopt a child because we know we could give a child a wonderful, loving home. I want to put down in words some of my feelings, but I don't want to be judged because of them. There have been times when I have wondered what it would be like to adopt; how it would feel and if I could truly be satisfied with that answer to having our family. Would I really be a good mother? Would I be able to love that child as my own? I have wondered if I would have the same type of attachment to that child as I would if I were to give birth. I know the answer to these questions.. of course I would. I know I'd be able to love and care for a child I adopted just as I would any other child. So why do I worry? Is that a normal fear? Am I actually called to adopt? Part of me is scared of that answer. Yes, I would love to adopt.. but I also want a child that Matt and I created together. One that has his eyes and freckles, and my nose. I want to feel baby kicks inside of me and experience every ache,pain, and joy of pregnancy. I guess what I am scared of, is that God only wants us to adopt and never have our own biological child. Is that selfish? It makes me feel terrible to have those thoughts. It has always been our plan to adopt at some point. We figured we'd continue to try and have our own first, and then adopt later on. I'm so confused right now about what it is that I am meant to do. After three years of heartache and frustration, I am clueless. Everything we have been through to try and create our family has worn me out. No matter how hard I try to fight it there is always a pain inside of me that longs to be a mother. I feel like it is what I was born to do. I have countless friends who have told me that I would make a great mom and comment on how good I am with their kids. Why hasn't it happened? Am I being punished? I just wish I knew what the answers to these questions were.

Anyway, I am about halfway through my medications right now. I finish my pills tomorrow and begin the injections. My next appointment, as I mentioned in my previous blog, is on Wednesday. I am hoping that we receive good news and that the meds are working despite the cyst, but I am not sure what to expect. I always have hope though, because without hope.. what do you have?

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