Sunday, December 19, 2010

Pity Party for One

I'm ridiculous. I can't seem to keep it together anymore. I guess I am just at my wit's end now that we are on our 14th cycle of trying to conceive, and I keep hearing more and more news of friend's becoming pregnant. I am truly happy for my friends that have received the greatest blessing God can give.. I just want that blessing for myself and Matt as well. It doesn't make sense to me why we are going through all we have gone through. I have watched friends become pregnant and give birth all within the time we've been trying. March must have especially been a busy month for a lot of people, as December has been a month full of births! Miracles everywhere, but mine is no where in sight. I know that in February we will be moving on to the next step, but it's still hard to hang in there. Last month I was full of such hope and I swore it was going to be it.. and it wasn't. The pain I have felt during the past couple weeks is indescribable. My heart just hurts. I hate getting on Facebook these days because every time I log in I see an "I'm pregnant!", "It's a girl!", "It's a boy!", or an "I'm _ weeks ..". It's hard. Most things I write on Facebook now are negative, and I know that is probably obnoxious to a lot of people, but I can't seem to help it. It is what is on my mind. All I want is a baby.. nothing else. I knew our road to having a child would probably be hard, but I never knew it would be this difficult. On the up-side, I have an amazing husband who has been by my side through all of this. It is hard on him, too. I know that this type of thing can drive a wedge in many people's marriages, but it hasn't in ours and I am thankful for that. In fact, a lot of the things we have gone through this year could drive a wedge in a marriage. We have come out stronger. I have been so blessed with a husband who fits me so well. He is my best friend. I love you Matt.

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