12dpiui

Feeling hopeful! Not much else to say..

Why I am so vocal about our infertility..

So, I wanted to write a blog explaining why it is that I am so open about our infertility struggles. I do not write things for sympathy or attention. I do not want others to feel sorry for me. I write on here and update Facebook for a few reasons. First of all, I write as a way of release. I do not like to bottle up my emotions because it is not healthy. This is a way of managing any stress that comes along. When it comes to my blog, it also allows me to have a means of documentation. I like to be able to go back and re-read old blog posts and see where we've been. I don't ever want to forget how all of this felt once I have a child. Not that I ever will.
But, those things are not what I find most important about sharing. I share because I feel that too many people fight infertility in silence. I want others who may be experiencing these issues to know it is OK! It is nothing to be embarrassed by. Over the past few years I have had the opportunity to speak with some wonderful women who have been in my shoes and who offer their support to me. They pray for me. I know I am not the only one to deal with this. I have also had people message me and share their own struggles with me. People have reached out to me. I have also had some message me with other problems they may be experiencing and shared with me how 'my strength' has helped them. I will never take credit for any of that. God gives me my strength. Which leads me into my main reason for sharing my personal life with others. I share because I want God to have all the glory. I want everyone to know that when I am pregnant it is because God granted me a miracle. No doctor or medicine will receive the credit.. God will. Yes, I know God can use doctors to do His work and that is why I continue to see them. Did you know that a normal, healthy couple only has about 20 - 25% chance of getting pregnant each month? Matt and I... well our chances are next to nothing on our own. I know God could always perform a miracle, but I also feel he is using these doctors to help us. We have been extremely blessed with the opportunity to go through these treatments without pay (well, except for the gas we spend driving to San Antonio numerous times a month). We could not afford this in the civilian world. I have fantastic doctors, regardless if they are military or not. I am thankful that God has allowed us this chance. I'm not sure why I am writing this blog, but I felt I should. I know others wonder why I so openly discuss private matters and I also know some must be annoyed with it. I want people to know why. There are days I wish that I had never said anything to anyone about it, but I know God will use my story for good. If I can even help one person.. then it's worth it. I have come a long way in the past few years. I have battled a lot of different emotions. I have been jealous, bitter, angry, hurt, and depressed. I have also been humbled, grateful, and happy. Yes, happy. I have found positives in the pain. I know that this will make us better parents and we will never take that blessing for granted. I also believe it has strengthened my relationship with God. We have had plenty of time to discuss parenting skills and how we want to raise our children. We have had time together, alone, as a married couple. We would not have had that if we had gotten pregnant right when we wanted to. My point is, that there is always good that can be found in every bad situation. I don't stop living my life. I let being an infertile define me for too long, and I have gotten to a place where I accept what is. Now, I just continue to pray for a miracle.

CD 13 Update

Oh. my. word. This morning was crazy! We left at around 3:30 AM to head to San Antonio for our appointment. It was raining (again), but we were feeling positive and making great time. RIGHT when we got to our exit... there was an accident and the exit was closed off. So, at this point we were stuck in traffic for a good bit.. and being early was quickly turning into running late. There were a lot of wrong turns involved, some roads closed, and just overall craziness! We finally got there and I went to get my blood drawn (40 minutes later than I normally do..) and for the first time there was an issue drawing it. I NEVER have any problem with my veins or getting my blood drawn, but apparently today was the day. I usually always have it done on my left arm and the guy (who by the way tied the rubber band WAY too tight) stabbed me in the arm (uh, ouch!)and then tells me that it won't work because apparently my vein has scarred over from having blood drawn so often (huh?!). I think he is crazy. Then on my right arm he completely missed the first time and then finally on the third try he got it. Ok, so then we proceed downstairs to the clinic. There were a ton of people waiting ahead of us since we were running late (go figure) so we sat there for quite some time. I believe we were the last ones seen. I get into the room and get undressed and then I am informed that they can not find my medical charts... really?..... At this point my positivity is going down hill and I am assuming that once I get scanned that my follicles will be non-existent and we will get cancelled again. Well guess what?! The femara worked for me! I only had one mature follicle this time, but it was the biggest one I've had so far at 23 mm. Yay! LH levels were already rising so trigger shot tonight at 7 PM and IUI tomorrow on Valentine's Day at 7 AM. I have been feeling a little iffy about having the IUI 12 hours after trigger compared to the usual 36 hours, but hey.. maybe this is what I need for it to work.

Fingers crossed and lots of praying for a Valentine's Day conception, lol. Better yet? Baby would be due close to Halloween (est. Nov. 6).. conceived and born on two candy eating holidays? I think this needs to happen... lol

Update: CD 7

So, as you can see from the title, we are doing another IUI cycle. We had an appointment last Friday (the 3rd) on CD 3 and the cyst I had before was gone. Yay! So we were good to go. We are trying Femara this cycle instead of the medications we have used previously and so far I have not had any noticeable side effects. Since I do not respond to Clomid by itself, and Femara works similarly to Clomid, I am a little nervous to how this will work. I have read that some women with PCOS respond better to Femara so we will see. If it does not work then the doctor said next time we will be moving on to injections. We have an appointment on Monday, the 13th (also CD 13), and we will have blood work and an ultrasound done to see how the follicles are responding. If all goes well then I should be doing the trigger shot that evening and the IUI should be on Wednesday, the 15th. Hopefully things go as planned because Matt's leave starts on the 13th and we really need to head out of town on the 15th after the appointment. We don't want to waste too many days in Texas. Fingers crossed! Everything is really relaxed this time around. We are so focused on vacation and it is helping to keep our minds off of things. The only sucky thing right now is that Matt has shingles :( Poor guy! I am so excited for next week so we can go out of town and relax. Perfect timing, too!

Still waiting..

Well, we still have not done the IUI we were planning on in January. My body has been determined to do anything BUT what it's supposed to.. yay PCOS! (note the sarcasm). Anyway, I was given a prescription for Provera and should hopefully begin my cycle today (if it does not happen today then we won't be able to move forward for this month because we are going on leave in a couple weeks). It took me almost 3 weeks to get my prescription because of some back and forth with the doctors between San Antonio and Fort Hood. I was agitated to say the least. I finally traveled through a horrible storm early in the morning last week in order to pick it up myself in San Antonio. If all goes well the IUI should be right as leave starts (leave starts the 13th and it should either fall on the 13th or 14th). I am so ready to get the ball rolling again. This may be our last chance at this, because very soon Matt will be out of the Army and we will be moving to Florida. We should be moving in the next 2-3 months. I'm actually very excited that if all goes well we will be on leave for two weeks during the dreaded two week wait and I will have my mind preoccupied while on vacation :) Sounds perfect to me! Just what I need.. relaxation! My heart is tired of hurting and I just want to get on with our lives. I want this to be over with. I keep expecting a miracle and have yet to be given one.. but that doesn't mean I have given up hope. I serve a loving, powerful God who can make anything happen. I have said over and over again that I will give Him ALL the glory should I ever become pregnant. There is not a single person who will not know that our child would be a miracle. I am proof of miracles because I am one. I was my parents' miracle when they were unable to have another child (different medical issues than what Matt and I face). They never gave up.. well, I guess they did, but my older sister did not and she prayed hard for a sister and her prayers were answered. I have every faith that mine will be, too.

On a sad note, it was a year ago today that my brother-in-law passed away. Today is a sad day in our home and for my husband's entire family. Our hearts hurt from the tragic loss of Danny, but know that God will continue to carry us through, just as He always has. We've endured so many hardships and have felt so much pain in the past few years. But there is a light at the end of this tunnel.. I know it.

New Year, New Beginning

Time for an update I suppose. It is finally 2012 and I couldn't be happier! 2011 was the worst year of our lives and we are hopeful that this year will be the opposite. We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's. There are a lot of changes coming soon. Matt will be getting out of the Army in a few months and we will be moving to Orlando, Florida so he can attend MMI and become a motorcycle mechanic. We are excited and nervous all at the same time. We are also going back to IUI this month as soon as a new cycle starts... any day now! I don't think we are going to tell too many people about it this time and we are going to try to keep it as stress free as possible (yeah, right). Here's to a new year and hopefully a baby soon.

Learning to let go..

How do you get to the point of just giving up? I don't know how to do that. I started a new cycle yesterday and it is killing me not being able to call and try another IUI this month. I know that my attention needs to be on my husband right now, and that is where I want it to be, but it is still hard. Infertility has taken over our lives for so long and we have been through so much.. it is hard to just not think about it. My body has been through hell while enduring fertility treatments, and now I can't help but think it was all for nothing. All we have gotten out of this is brokenness. I'm so angry! In the 3 years we have been married, we have endured a deployment, 27 months of infertility (33 months if you could when we started trying and found out I had PCOS, but missed some months because of deployment), Matt's injury that has permanently disabled him, his grandmother having cancer, my dad having cancer, his brother passing away, and the ending of Matt's military career. It has been hard. I just want things to turn around and for good things to happen. We both want a child, but know that something has got to give at the moment.

Step 1: Learning to let go of having a child for the time being and concentrating on my marriage.

I love my husband and I'd choose him over having a baby every time..