My timeline

Today, I am just not feeling it. I'm tired of always putting on a smile and pretending I'm OK all the time. I avoid the topic with friends, and when it is brought up.. I try to brush it off as quickly as possible because no one wants to hear my sob story. I have so many blessings in my life, but there is still a huge part that is missing.. our children. Right now there are a lot of transitions getting ready to happen. The transition to focusing on adoption, the transition from army life to civilian life; buying a house, starting a new career. Things are changing. I have never been good with change. I don't know if I'm ready to let go of this part of my life. I don't think I'm ready to let go of my hope for a biological child and I am terrified of moving back to North Carolina and leaving our life here in Texas. As much as the Army can drive me nuts (more so the company Matt is in), I am going to miss it dearly. This is our lifestyle, and our lifestyle is about to change. I am not ready to move away from my friends.

This is our timeline over the past few years:

December 22, 2008 - We were married
January 11, 2009 - Matt deployed
March 2009 - Matt told me he wanted to try for a baby when he came home on leave
April 2009 - We first tried to conceive
May 2009 - Late period, went to doctor, discussed my history, and after tests were done was diagnosed with PCOS
September 2009 - More tests, put on Metformin, referred to doctor
December 2009 - Matt returned home and we returned to trying to conceive
February 2010 - More tests; Matt diagnosed with low count & low motility (First analysis showed 8 million/ml and 20% motility) We were devastated
March 2010 - More tests
April 2010 through December 2010 - Clomid
August 2010 - Matt's negligent discharge that resulted in 2 surgeries, 10 days in the hospital, and a permanent disability to the leg
December 2010 - First appointment in San Antonio and plans to begin IUI once cyst is gone
January 2011 - Dad diagnosed with cancer; Danny passes away
January - March 2011 - Cyst
April 2011 - Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy - Septate uterus corrected
June 2011 - First attempt at IUI: Cancelled due to no response
July 2011 - IUI #1
August - September 2011 - Cyst
October 2011 - IUI #2
November 2011 - cancelled cycle due to cyst
February 2012 (after cyst was gone) - IUI #3
March 2012 - another attempt at IUI, but no response due to cyst
March 2012 - ruptured cyst
April 2012 - Birth Control for cysts
May 2012 - IUI #4
June 2012 - Birth Control for 3 weeks for cyst
July 2012- IUI # 5: The last IUI


I'm exhausted. Today I am feeling angry, and dare I say a little bitter. I have seen so many people have their children while we have continue to experience this pain, and many are on their second and third baby. I don't like to feel this way and I don't like to have negative emotions, but sometimes I am human and have a bad day. I need to be able to feel like this sometimes so I can get it all out and not bottle it up and pretend the emotions don't exist. Most days, I'm fine, but not every day is sunshine and on occasion I am walking through a storm. I am writing this because I want others to know that is OK to have these feelings and to be upset. It's ok to hurt. I do.