Thursday, July 12, 2012

My timeline

Today, I am just not feeling it. I'm tired of always putting on a smile and pretending I'm OK all the time. I avoid the topic with friends, and when it is brought up.. I try to brush it off as quickly as possible because no one wants to hear my sob story. I have so many blessings in my life, but there is still a huge part that is missing.. our children. Right now there are a lot of transitions getting ready to happen. The transition to focusing on adoption, the transition from army life to civilian life; buying a house, starting a new career. Things are changing. I have never been good with change. I don't know if I'm ready to let go of this part of my life. I don't think I'm ready to let go of my hope for a biological child and I am terrified of moving back to North Carolina and leaving our life here in Texas. As much as the Army can drive me nuts (more so the company Matt is in), I am going to miss it dearly. This is our lifestyle, and our lifestyle is about to change. I am not ready to move away from my friends.

This is our timeline over the past few years:

December 22, 2008 - We were married
January 11, 2009 - Matt deployed
March 2009 - Matt told me he wanted to try for a baby when he came home on leave
April 2009 - We first tried to conceive
May 2009 - Late period, went to doctor, discussed my history, and after tests were done was diagnosed with PCOS
September 2009 - More tests, put on Metformin, referred to doctor
December 2009 - Matt returned home and we returned to trying to conceive
February 2010 - More tests; Matt diagnosed with low count & low motility (First analysis showed 8 million/ml and 20% motility) We were devastated
March 2010 - More tests
April 2010 through December 2010 - Clomid
August 2010 - Matt's negligent discharge that resulted in 2 surgeries, 10 days in the hospital, and a permanent disability to the leg
December 2010 - First appointment in San Antonio and plans to begin IUI once cyst is gone
January 2011 - Dad diagnosed with cancer; Danny passes away
January - March 2011 - Cyst
April 2011 - Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy - Septate uterus corrected
June 2011 - First attempt at IUI: Cancelled due to no response
July 2011 - IUI #1
August - September 2011 - Cyst
October 2011 - IUI #2
November 2011 - cancelled cycle due to cyst
February 2012 (after cyst was gone) - IUI #3
March 2012 - another attempt at IUI, but no response due to cyst
March 2012 - ruptured cyst
April 2012 - Birth Control for cysts
May 2012 - IUI #4
June 2012 - Birth Control for 3 weeks for cyst
July 2012- IUI # 5: The last IUI

I'm exhausted. Today I am feeling angry, and dare I say a little bitter. I have seen so many people have their children while we have continue to experience this pain, and many are on their second and third baby. I don't like to feel this way and I don't like to have negative emotions, but sometimes I am human and have a bad day. I need to be able to feel like this sometimes so I can get it all out and not bottle it up and pretend the emotions don't exist. Most days, I'm fine, but not every day is sunshine and on occasion I am walking through a storm. I am writing this because I want others to know that is OK to have these feelings and to be upset. It's ok to hurt. I do.


  1. Kristen, if no one wanted to hear your "sob story" we wouldn't ask! I hope you know that no matter how difficult it is everyone that has been following this journey would still see you as an amazing and strong woman even as you collapsed into tears. If you ever want someone to talk to, or cry to, or whatever I'm here. Just give me a call! I don't know if I could ever be as strong as you through all of are such an inspiration. Someday your miracle will come. It may not be from your body but it will have your heart and soul, and that's what really counts.

  2. Thank you so much, Jacki. I'm just now seeing this comment. I appreciate it. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic! Love you girl and can't wait until I move back soon and can see you :) Let's talk soon.