Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Where I've been lately..

I haven't updated my blog in a while, so I decided today would be a good day to do so. The last time I updated, we were in the middle of an IUI cycle. The day after I posted we went to the doctor and I had 3 great follicles (possibly more, but I don't remember the details anymore). We had the IUI on Friday, May 18th and things could not have gone more smoothly. Matt's count and motility had dramatically improved from the previous IUI. In fact, back in February his motility was only at 20%, but this particular sample had 80% motility! We were thrilled. When we left, I called my mother and by the time I got off of the phone with her I was in tears. She told me that she had spent time in prayer that morning for us and that God had spoken to her and given her two very specific words, and confirmed them twice. Those words were "Blessed Assurance". She said those words were for me and that our prayers were going to be answered. I immediately felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and had a peace come over me. I just knew this was it. I was going to finally get my miracle and have my baby! Matt and I went out to breakfast like we always do after an IUI and joked about the possibility of having multiples. The next two weeks went by slowly! I could hardly wait to test. I, of course, tested early because I wanted to test my Ovidrel trigger shot out of my system so I would know for sure that my positive test was real if I got one at the end of two weeks. Around day 8 my tests turned negative and I knew it was out of my system. A couple days later, I began to get faint positives on my tests. I started to get really excited, but I wasn't convinced that I was pregnant yet until I was able to get a darker positive. On the morning of June 2nd, 15 days after the IUI, I saw the most beautiful sight I have ever seen... TWO bright pink lines! I could not believe it. I told my husband and then immediately went to call my mom. She of course did not answer so I talked to my dad first. When I told my dad, he began to cry and told me how happy he was for me. This is when it began to hit me and I started to cry, too. We told all of our family members and then (stupidly) I decided to post the news on Facebook. There have been a lot of people who have followed our journey over the past three years and I wanted to share my joy with them. I just knew that if God allowed me to get a positive test after all of this pain that everything was going to be OK. We celebrated that day. We went to see the movie 'What to Expect when You're Expecting' (I wouldn't see it unless I was pregnant) and Matt held me close and whispered,"We did it". Well, sadly, I was wrong. The next morning, I woke up and went to the restroom and instantly knew it was over. I was bleeding very heavily. So many emotions swept over me... anger, embarrassment, frustration, and most of all complete and utter despair. I went to the ER, alone, to get checked out. I wept for hours. In the end, there was no baby. I could have easily blamed God. I could have easily given up all hope. And I will admit that day I did. I didn't understand how this could happen. But I knew that becoming bitter was not going to make me feel any better. I know people are watching and paying attention to the way I handle myself because I have chosen to make our journey public. What example would I be? I am supposed to be a Christian and I want people to see Jesus through me. I am not strong. God gives me my strength and is the reason I keep going. I have such a hard time reading posts where women complain about their pregnancies. I would give anything to experience the 'discomforts' that come along with being pregnant. I am sure it is not always pleasant, but I promise if I am ever given the opportunity that I will not complain.. and if I do it will be to my husband! (lol) Let's fast forward a bit. Here we are on July 3rd. A lot has happened in the past month. We are currently, once again, in the middle of an IUI cycle. We decided to give it one last shot since we had the time and resources to do so. I have to admit that I am finding it hard to become optimistic this time around. I don't want to have my heart broken again. I have given myself many shots in the stomach over the past week and we went to the doctor this morning to see how things were progressing. I have two good follicles right now. One is on my left ovary and one is on my right. I have to give myself one more shot today and then tomorrow night at 7PM I will give myself the Ovidrel shot ( puts HCG in my system and forces ovulation for those who do not know)and the IUI will be at 7 AM on Friday. So far everything is looking great and I know there is always a chance that it could work. We are aware though that IVF and adoption are where our options are heading. We are leaning more strongly toward pursuing adoption once we move back to North Carolina and buy a house. It is something we have always discussed and have a desire to do even if we have our own biological children, but we have spent the past few years undergoing treatments first. There is a lot to think about and pray about and we hope that others will begin to pray for us as we look into various agencies in the coming months. I don't think anything will happen until the beginning of next year though. I know this blog is long and I have covered a lot (and there is still so much more I could say) but I wanted to get everything that has happened recently down in writing. I do not know why we were given this journey, but it is ours and we have a story that is still developing. I know in my heart that God has big plans for us. I hope one day soon to be a family and I promise to give God all the glory when it happens. No matter how our family is formed, it will be a true miracle!


  1. I am absolutely praying you get your two bright pink lines and keep them for 9 months! I admire your strength, honesty, and vulnerability. You are going to make an amazing mommy!!!!

  2. Thank you! I appreciate the prayers! I am definitely praying for you, too. YOU are an awesome mommy and your boys are simply precious!