Learning to let go..

How do you get to the point of just giving up? I don't know how to do that. I started a new cycle yesterday and it is killing me not being able to call and try another IUI this month. I know that my attention needs to be on my husband right now, and that is where I want it to be, but it is still hard. Infertility has taken over our lives for so long and we have been through so much.. it is hard to just not think about it. My body has been through hell while enduring fertility treatments, and now I can't help but think it was all for nothing. All we have gotten out of this is brokenness. I'm so angry! In the 3 years we have been married, we have endured a deployment, 27 months of infertility (33 months if you could when we started trying and found out I had PCOS, but missed some months because of deployment), Matt's injury that has permanently disabled him, his grandmother having cancer, my dad having cancer, his brother passing away, and the ending of Matt's military career. It has been hard. I just want things to turn around and for good things to happen. We both want a child, but know that something has got to give at the moment.

Step 1: Learning to let go of having a child for the time being and concentrating on my marriage.

I love my husband and I'd choose him over having a baby every time..

No longer TTC

Well, trying to have a baby is officially on hold for I don't know how long. Infertility has taken its toll on my marriage and we have some things to work out. I hate that it is this way, but there isn't much to say or do about it. It's bad enough that we have had to deal with such a horrible thing, but for it to affect our relationship? I can't help but feel a little bitter. I love my hubby very much.

Update

I haven't updated in a while and that is because the past week or so has been difficult. We went back to San Antonio to start another cycle of treatment only to discover that I have a large cyst on my ovary and we are out for this month. I cried right there in the doctor's office. It was very disappointing and I was frustrated. I just want things to go right for once! Can't my body cooperate and do what it is supposed to do?! The clinic closes down for two weeks over Christmas and they want to get one more IUI in before then so we will really be pushing it to do that. Hopefully things work out though and we are able to. Anyway, so that is where we are at right now. Waiting....
I also have been experiencing a lot of pain because of this cyst and even made an emergency room trip in fear that it had ruptured. It hadn't and it is still there. Please pray that it goes away soon on its own so we can move on with things and so I can get rid of this pain!

On the plus side, next week is Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I wish we were able to go home and be with our families, but we will be with our Army family and enjoying the day with the Smith's. Just like we have for the past 3 years! I love that family though and consider them family even if it is not by blood. We will be very sad to leave them when we move in a few months.

And drumroll please....

NEGATIVE. So, it's back to San Antonio tomorrow to start all over again. Maybe the third time will be a charm :\ I'm not going to get upset over this and I'm just going to keep on, keepin' on. What else is there to do anyway?

14dpiui

So it looks like I have the flu! My fever went up after I posted yesterday and I've had a hard time getting rid of it since .. yuck! :( Test was still negative this morning, but I just had a blood test done so we'll see what that says. I'm not counting on anything, but I guess we will see what happens. Time for a nap and some tylenol!

13dpiui

Today I am 13dpiui. Yesterday, at 12dpiui Matt and I went down to Austin to do some shopping and get out of Killeen for the day. We went to the Iguana Grill for dinner (LOVE that place!) and as we were about finished I felt an all too familiar feeling, panicked and ran to the restroom. Sure enough... blood! :( It was only spotting though and nothing bright red so I'm not completely giving up hope yet. It is just funny because only about 10 minutes before that I had told Matt that I felt like my period was coming. I haven't had much spotting since and only a little bit today. I just wish I knew if it was the beginning of my period or if it happens to be implantation bleeding. The problem is that I need an answer soon because I am supposed to count the first day of spotting as the 1st day of my cycle and I would need to go back to San Antonio by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest to begin again. We went and stocked up on some more First Response tests today so I could test today and tomorrow and see if anything comes up. I am probably going to call my clinic in the morning and see if they can have a blood test put in for me so we can get some kind of an answer. Why can't this just be simple? Why do I have to have another brain tease thrown in? lol! Only me, right? I also woke up this morning with a wonderful cold.. sore throat, stuffy, body aches and a lowgrade ever at 99 F.

In other news, Matt is outside making a dog house for Kylee and I am going to paint it red. I'm not sure if I will be up for it today, but maybe tomorrow. I think he is having a fun being manly and using power tools ;) The neighbor even came by to see what's going on. MEN!! hehe

Update again soon.. hopefully with some 'positive' news!

Can you say EMOTIONAL?!

11dpiui

Get me off this crazy roller coaster! I am so done with this. Today, I am extremely emotional and I really am not even sure why. I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment. I'm tired! I tested earlier and it was negative... I am so sick of seeing one pink line!!!! I know it's still early and things could change, but as of right now I am discouraged and fed up. I feel like everything has failed again. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel the opposite, but right now this is how I feel....negative. I'm just way too emotional and I know it is from all these raging hormones in my body. I just want to scream.

That is all I wanted to write right now.... just needed to VENT!