15dpiui

I am beginning to get frustrated. It has now been 15 days since the IUI and I am still getting negative tests.. and no sign of my period in sight. What the heck?! I feel like I should have gotten one or the other by now and now I am just in limbo. My doctor never scheduled a beta to be done and I am thinking of calling them to see if they can put one in for me. I leave to go out of town for 2 weeks in another 3 days so I would like to have somewhat of a clue as to what is going on before I leave. I just want an answer!

13dpiui

I'm pretty sure my heart can't take much more of this. I am so done with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. I want to kick and scream about how unfair it is. I would be a good mother and I know Matt would make a great father - so why? Why has 21 months of trying not resulted in a pregnancy? Why must I sit here and watch friend after friend conceive and give birth while I am still waiting and waiting for it to happen for us. My heart breaks! I get my hopes up and then they get crushed again with every failed cycle. I was so sure this IUI was going to work. I cried tears of happiness when we left the doctor after the IUI. We were positive this was it and we had done it. But here I am.. 13 days later and NO sign of any test turning positive anytime soon. I feel like having a meltdown. I just don't understand.. I really don't. Please God send me a miracle ...........

11dpiui & feeling negative

Today is 11 days past when I had the IUI and the hope that I had before is going away pretty quickly.. Tested this morning and negative! :( I know it's still early, but I was hoping that something would show up by now. Two weeks ago - I was positive that this was going to be it and I felt it in with everything in me, and now I'm not so sure. So I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse so that I can move on and keep going. Matt doesn't understand why I am already thinking ahead to what is next, but I can't help it. I guess thinking ahead and planning makes me feel like I have SOME control over this whole situation.. which he time and again reminds me that I don't. Just trying to trust God and hold on to hope.. praying for a miracle. I want to see 2 lines so bad!

7dpiui

So, we finally were able to have an IUI done this month after being cancelled last month due to no response from the Clomid. This time (instead of trying injectables like I thought we were going to) we upped my dosage of Clomid to 150mg on days 4-8 (not sure why we did them on 4-8 instead of the typical 3-7 or 5-9) and I was put on dexamethasone from days 4-14. I was nervous that it wasn't going to work, but low and behold, it did! I believe the dexamethasone made a huge difference for me and allowed the Clomid to work :) I was a little worried before my CD13 ultrasound because I was in a lot of pain around CD9 and thought I was hyper-stimulating. I had to lay in bed all day and use a heating pad.. that's how bad it was! I was also a little concerned I was about to ovulate super early, but I didn't. On July 11th (CD13) I had an ultrasound and they found a bunch of follicles and I was threatened with another cancelled cycle - depending on how my E2 levels looked when the labs came back. I had two 18mm follicles, a 15mm follicle, I think a 12mm follicle, a 10mm follicle, and a bunch that were less than 10. My thinking was that it wasn't too bad and I prayed HARD that my levels would come back alright so I could trigger and move on with the IUI. Well MIRACLE.. my E2 levels came back and weren't as high as the doctor thought they could be and she instructed me to trigger that night at 7PM and to come back Wednesday morning (the 13th) at 7AM for IUI. I had never given myself a shot before and I had a lot of anxiety in the minutes leading up to it, but once I did it - it wasn't that bad! I felt like super woman after that. I give props to the ladies who give themselves shots every day for injectable IUI cycles and IVF cycles. I do think that if I need to move forward to the next step ever, that I could do it. Anyway, Tuesday night we made the 3 hour drive to San Antonio so we could spend the night and get the rest before the IUI the next morning. We had to be there at 6AM and did not want to get up in the middle of the night this time. It was nice to get a little extra sleep for once. Once we got there and were waiting in the room - I just prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed that hubbys sample would come back with good numbers and that this would work for us. After 21 months - I am just ready for a miracle to happen! The doctor came in and (yay) we had 32 or 33 mil post wash. WOO HOO!! The actual IUI was painful for me and I was glad when it was over. I got to lay there for 20 mins and then we left. Now it has been a waiting game. The two week wait is horrible! I just want to know if this worked and if I am finally going to be a mommy. I hate to get my hopes up, but for the first time in quite a while - they are. And I know if this fails I am going to be crushed. I am being so greedy as to actually be hoping for twins. Hey, a girl can dream ;) I guess we'll find out the beginning of next week if our dreams are finally going to come true.. Praying!

It is now the end of June and things have been up and down since the last post. The day after I last posted, my brother-in-law passed away. It has been a very difficult period in our family's life since then. My dad has also continued to battle cancer, and is now about to have surgery at the beginning of July to hopefully remove the lymph nodes from behind his kidneys. Matt and I have still been trying to have a baby, too. I had surgery in April that corrected a septate uterus and looked for possible endometriosis (which I did not have, thank God!). We finally got to begin our first IUI cycle at the beginning of this month, but it was cancelled because there was no progress being made with my follicles. They were not responding to the medication and did not grow. So, I just finished taking medication to start a new cycle and begin again. Hopefully in the next few days we will be able to see the doctor again and HOPEFULLY make some progress. I am so ready for a miracle in our lives. I have struggled a lot with feeling jealous of others  because they have something I want and it comes so easily for them. I am happy for my friends that have conceived and have their children, but it hurts to watch so many around me experience this miracle that I am trying so hard for! It just seems unfair at times. I don't think I will ever fully understand why we must go through so much pain to start our family. I'm tired of having a heavy heart.. even though I pray about it every day and try to hand it over to God. Most days are good, but some days just stink! Today is one of those days (probably because of all the hormones!). Is it OK to kick and scream on occasion? Because that is how I feel at the moment.

Only one thing to say:

THIS MONTH I WILL GET PREGNANT!
end of story.

'CANCER' is an ugly word

     On January 13th, We found out my dad has cancer. It sucks. We knew it was a possibility, but actually hearing the word 'cancer' stings. He went through his first round of chemo from January 20th until the 24th and is now resting before the next round. It scares me, but we have a lot of friends and family praying for him and for us, and it is reassuring. I am thankful to be serving such a mighty God! I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my faith in Him. That is what gives me my strength. A lot of people have commented lately on my strength through the trials we have all endured (especially in the last 6 months!) and I can honestly say that I alone am NOT a strong person. The only reason I have strength at all is because of God.
    Now, on to another (and more positive) subject. Next week Matt comes home from JRTC :) I am very excited to see my hubby! We also get to begin our IUI cycle next week and I am very much looking forward to it. It is going to be a long month, yes, but I believe it will be a good one. A month filled with hope at least! I am just praying the big cyst I had is gone, or at least small enough to move forward without surgery. I'm not too worried about it though.
     I would like to address one other thing as it relates to our infertility journey. I received the sweetest message last night from a friend who is about halfway through her pregnancy and is yet to share the news with the world. She took my feelings into consideration and wanted me to know before I found out another way. She didn't have to do that, but she did, and it meant a lot. She let me know how my struggles have helped her through her pregnancy as it was a surprise at first and she had to learn to accept the baby that is on the way. All I have to say is WOW.. Thank you God for using me and my hardships to bless someone else! It helped me in ways she probably will never know, because it allowed me to accept what is and to realize there truly is a reason behind all of this. :) God is so good! I hope He can continue to use me in a way to inspire others and hopefully soon as a way of HOPE as hopefully we'll get good news at some point (and we will)!