A very personal blog discussing some intimate thoughts..

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For the longest time, Matt and I have discussed the option of adoption. We have always said that we would love to adopt a child because we know we could give a child a wonderful, loving home. I want to put down in words some of my feelings, but I don't want to be judged because of them. There have been times when I have wondered what it would be like to adopt; how it would feel and if I could truly be satisfied with that answer to having our family. Would I really be a good mother? Would I be able to love that child as my own? I have wondered if I would have the same type of attachment to that child as I would if I were to give birth. I know the answer to these questions.. of course I would. I know I'd be able to love and care for a child I adopted just as I would any other child. So why do I worry? Is that a normal fear? Am I actually called to adopt? Part of me is scared of that answer. Yes, I would love to adopt.. but I also want a child that Matt and I created together. One that has his eyes and freckles, and my nose. I want to feel baby kicks inside of me and experience every ache,pain, and joy of pregnancy. I guess what I am scared of, is that God only wants us to adopt and never have our own biological child. Is that selfish? It makes me feel terrible to have those thoughts. It has always been our plan to adopt at some point. We figured we'd continue to try and have our own first, and then adopt later on. I'm so confused right now about what it is that I am meant to do. After three years of heartache and frustration, I am clueless. Everything we have been through to try and create our family has worn me out. No matter how hard I try to fight it there is always a pain inside of me that longs to be a mother. I feel like it is what I was born to do. I have countless friends who have told me that I would make a great mom and comment on how good I am with their kids. Why hasn't it happened? Am I being punished? I just wish I knew what the answers to these questions were.

Anyway, I am about halfway through my medications right now. I finish my pills tomorrow and begin the injections. My next appointment, as I mentioned in my previous blog, is on Wednesday. I am hoping that we receive good news and that the meds are working despite the cyst, but I am not sure what to expect. I always have hope though, because without hope.. what do you have?

CD 3 Appointment - Femara and Gonal-F

Yesterday was my CD 3 baseline blood work and ultrasound. Let's just say it did not go quite as expected. Unfortunately, I have another decent sized cyst on my left ovary. It is not quite as big as the one I had back in November that we got cancelled for, but it is big enough for us to get cancelled. As soon as they mentioned the size, I knew we were not going to be able to proceed this month. Wrong. So,the doctor said that because Matt is close to getting out of the Army and we do not have many more chances, that we could go ahead and try. He didn't think that the cyst was producing any hormones so it wouldn't be too big a problem. He did say that it was not ideal and that normally we would have to wait. We then discussed our new treatment plan. I know I mentioned before that I would be doing all injections this time around, but I was wrong. We are doing a combination. I will take Femara, just like I did last cycle, followed by Gonal-F injections. I am so excited that we get to try injectables! I'm also happy that we are doing the combination because I was worried about hyper-stimulating and producing too many follicles. Sweet!

Ok, so we were on our way home when the doctor called and said that my labs came back. My estrogen levels are way too high for the beginning of a cycle. The levels should be under 80 and mine are in the 200s. He said we could proceed and could try, but that I may not respond to the medications because of the cyst and the hormones it is putting out. Lovely! So, I'm a little concerned about this cycle. It seems to be a flop before it has even started. But, we will try and see what happens. My next appointment is April 4th (a week from today, on Wednesday). Fingers crossed that maybe it will work. We are quickly running out of time. Hey, every other cycle things seemed perfect and it didn't work. Maybe I needed things to seem bad so that it does.. ha

Well..

I never updated after the last IUI, but the results were what I expected.. negative. Another failed IUI. This one really messed with my head, too because my cycle did not start until 17dpiui! That never happens and it was strange. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever work for us, or if we need to seriously consider saving for IVF. I haven't updated my blog in a while because I have been a little down, plus we were out of town this past week. It has just been hard. The same week that we found out the IUI failed, there were 8 pregnancy announcements from friends. Really?! It drives me nuts. I don't mean to sound petty, but it seems like each time a treatment fails another flock of women announce they are expecting. I just want to be a mother. My heart aches and I am tired of disappointment. I'm also sick of everyone else's opinion or advice. If you don't know what I am going through and haven't been where I am .. Do not give me your opinion. I don't mean to sound mean, but it is frustrating. There are even certain family members who seem to think 'if we just stop trying it will happen'. Or people who think that somehow a treatment cycle 'cures' our issues and we can get pregnant without a problem. I'm sorry, but that is just not how it works. I wish it worked that way, but sadly, it does not.

Anyway, I just started taking Provera (yay for saving half of my last prescription for this very purpose (lol) ) and we should be starting another IUI cycle sometime next week I believe. This time will be a fully injectable cycle. I hope it helps. If not.. well, then I think we may start saving our money.

13dpiui - Who crashed my good mood?

I take back what I said yesterday. I am not feeling hopeful. In fact, I am already mentally preparing to start again. Took a test this morning and.. nothing. At 13dpiui I feel that is pretty definite. I could be wrong and by chance have a 'late implanter' that just has not shown up on a test yet, but I'm not holding out much hope. Tomorrow is the 'official' test day, so we'll see what happens tomorrow I guess. If not then a new cycle should start either tomorrow or Wednesday and on to injectables it is! No more pills, just shots. My mind is already starting to drift to thoughts of IVF and how we will ever have the money for that. That's simple.. we won't. I know I shouldn't be so negative, but I feel I am entitled to have a day of feeling down and today is it.

12dpiui

Feeling hopeful! Not much else to say..

Why I am so vocal about our infertility..

So, I wanted to write a blog explaining why it is that I am so open about our infertility struggles. I do not write things for sympathy or attention. I do not want others to feel sorry for me. I write on here and update Facebook for a few reasons. First of all, I write as a way of release. I do not like to bottle up my emotions because it is not healthy. This is a way of managing any stress that comes along. When it comes to my blog, it also allows me to have a means of documentation. I like to be able to go back and re-read old blog posts and see where we've been. I don't ever want to forget how all of this felt once I have a child. Not that I ever will.
But, those things are not what I find most important about sharing. I share because I feel that too many people fight infertility in silence. I want others who may be experiencing these issues to know it is OK! It is nothing to be embarrassed by. Over the past few years I have had the opportunity to speak with some wonderful women who have been in my shoes and who offer their support to me. They pray for me. I know I am not the only one to deal with this. I have also had people message me and share their own struggles with me. People have reached out to me. I have also had some message me with other problems they may be experiencing and shared with me how 'my strength' has helped them. I will never take credit for any of that. God gives me my strength. Which leads me into my main reason for sharing my personal life with others. I share because I want God to have all the glory. I want everyone to know that when I am pregnant it is because God granted me a miracle. No doctor or medicine will receive the credit.. God will. Yes, I know God can use doctors to do His work and that is why I continue to see them. Did you know that a normal, healthy couple only has about 20 - 25% chance of getting pregnant each month? Matt and I... well our chances are next to nothing on our own. I know God could always perform a miracle, but I also feel he is using these doctors to help us. We have been extremely blessed with the opportunity to go through these treatments without pay (well, except for the gas we spend driving to San Antonio numerous times a month). We could not afford this in the civilian world. I have fantastic doctors, regardless if they are military or not. I am thankful that God has allowed us this chance. I'm not sure why I am writing this blog, but I felt I should. I know others wonder why I so openly discuss private matters and I also know some must be annoyed with it. I want people to know why. There are days I wish that I had never said anything to anyone about it, but I know God will use my story for good. If I can even help one person.. then it's worth it. I have come a long way in the past few years. I have battled a lot of different emotions. I have been jealous, bitter, angry, hurt, and depressed. I have also been humbled, grateful, and happy. Yes, happy. I have found positives in the pain. I know that this will make us better parents and we will never take that blessing for granted. I also believe it has strengthened my relationship with God. We have had plenty of time to discuss parenting skills and how we want to raise our children. We have had time together, alone, as a married couple. We would not have had that if we had gotten pregnant right when we wanted to. My point is, that there is always good that can be found in every bad situation. I don't stop living my life. I let being an infertile define me for too long, and I have gotten to a place where I accept what is. Now, I just continue to pray for a miracle.

CD 13 Update

Oh. my. word. This morning was crazy! We left at around 3:30 AM to head to San Antonio for our appointment. It was raining (again), but we were feeling positive and making great time. RIGHT when we got to our exit... there was an accident and the exit was closed off. So, at this point we were stuck in traffic for a good bit.. and being early was quickly turning into running late. There were a lot of wrong turns involved, some roads closed, and just overall craziness! We finally got there and I went to get my blood drawn (40 minutes later than I normally do..) and for the first time there was an issue drawing it. I NEVER have any problem with my veins or getting my blood drawn, but apparently today was the day. I usually always have it done on my left arm and the guy (who by the way tied the rubber band WAY too tight) stabbed me in the arm (uh, ouch!)and then tells me that it won't work because apparently my vein has scarred over from having blood drawn so often (huh?!). I think he is crazy. Then on my right arm he completely missed the first time and then finally on the third try he got it. Ok, so then we proceed downstairs to the clinic. There were a ton of people waiting ahead of us since we were running late (go figure) so we sat there for quite some time. I believe we were the last ones seen. I get into the room and get undressed and then I am informed that they can not find my medical charts... really?..... At this point my positivity is going down hill and I am assuming that once I get scanned that my follicles will be non-existent and we will get cancelled again. Well guess what?! The femara worked for me! I only had one mature follicle this time, but it was the biggest one I've had so far at 23 mm. Yay! LH levels were already rising so trigger shot tonight at 7 PM and IUI tomorrow on Valentine's Day at 7 AM. I have been feeling a little iffy about having the IUI 12 hours after trigger compared to the usual 36 hours, but hey.. maybe this is what I need for it to work.

Fingers crossed and lots of praying for a Valentine's Day conception, lol. Better yet? Baby would be due close to Halloween (est. Nov. 6).. conceived and born on two candy eating holidays? I think this needs to happen... lol