It is now the end of June and things have been up and down since the last post. The day after I last posted, my brother-in-law passed away. It has been a very difficult period in our family's life since then. My dad has also continued to battle cancer, and is now about to have surgery at the beginning of July to hopefully remove the lymph nodes from behind his kidneys. Matt and I have still been trying to have a baby, too. I had surgery in April that corrected a septate uterus and looked for possible endometriosis (which I did not have, thank God!). We finally got to begin our first IUI cycle at the beginning of this month, but it was cancelled because there was no progress being made with my follicles. They were not responding to the medication and did not grow. So, I just finished taking medication to start a new cycle and begin again. Hopefully in the next few days we will be able to see the doctor again and HOPEFULLY make some progress. I am so ready for a miracle in our lives. I have struggled a lot with feeling jealous of others  because they have something I want and it comes so easily for them. I am happy for my friends that have conceived and have their children, but it hurts to watch so many around me experience this miracle that I am trying so hard for! It just seems unfair at times. I don't think I will ever fully understand why we must go through so much pain to start our family. I'm tired of having a heavy heart.. even though I pray about it every day and try to hand it over to God. Most days are good, but some days just stink! Today is one of those days (probably because of all the hormones!). Is it OK to kick and scream on occasion? Because that is how I feel at the moment.

Only one thing to say:

THIS MONTH I WILL GET PREGNANT!
end of story.

'CANCER' is an ugly word

     On January 13th, We found out my dad has cancer. It sucks. We knew it was a possibility, but actually hearing the word 'cancer' stings. He went through his first round of chemo from January 20th until the 24th and is now resting before the next round. It scares me, but we have a lot of friends and family praying for him and for us, and it is reassuring. I am thankful to be serving such a mighty God! I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my faith in Him. That is what gives me my strength. A lot of people have commented lately on my strength through the trials we have all endured (especially in the last 6 months!) and I can honestly say that I alone am NOT a strong person. The only reason I have strength at all is because of God.
    Now, on to another (and more positive) subject. Next week Matt comes home from JRTC :) I am very excited to see my hubby! We also get to begin our IUI cycle next week and I am very much looking forward to it. It is going to be a long month, yes, but I believe it will be a good one. A month filled with hope at least! I am just praying the big cyst I had is gone, or at least small enough to move forward without surgery. I'm not too worried about it though.
     I would like to address one other thing as it relates to our infertility journey. I received the sweetest message last night from a friend who is about halfway through her pregnancy and is yet to share the news with the world. She took my feelings into consideration and wanted me to know before I found out another way. She didn't have to do that, but she did, and it meant a lot. She let me know how my struggles have helped her through her pregnancy as it was a surprise at first and she had to learn to accept the baby that is on the way. All I have to say is WOW.. Thank you God for using me and my hardships to bless someone else! It helped me in ways she probably will never know, because it allowed me to accept what is and to realize there truly is a reason behind all of this. :) God is so good! I hope He can continue to use me in a way to inspire others and hopefully soon as a way of HOPE as hopefully we'll get good news at some point (and we will)!

23 - Welcome!

Today is my 23rd birthday. It has been just a normal day for the most part, but I am happy to welcome a new age and a new year in my life. I am visiting with my family in Michigan right now because Matt is away at JRTC (pre-deployment training) for a month in Louisiana. They are scheduled to deploy again in May, although we are unsure at this point whether or not Matt will be going. I am hoping he doesn't have to go, but I am alright with it if he has to. We've already been through a deployment before and I know what to expect this time around if he goes. I am sure it will still be difficult,and I am not looking forward to it, but at this point it hasn't hit me that there is even a possibility. Anyway, in the fertility world, this is what is going on..

This past cycle has been a mess! I am officially LATE and no period in sight (TMI for some I am sure, sorry). The problem is that there is no positive test in sight either... so I am pretty sure that my PCOS is messing up my hormones again and I either didn't ovulate, or I ovulated late.. not sure. I haven't taken any medication since November's cycle so that could be why. At this point, I just wish it would start so I can take my birth control pills, get my hormones in sync and hopefully get rid of the cyst that the doctor's want gone before we proceed with the IUI next month. I am supposed to take them, and then get off of them in a few weeks when Matt gets back home. I am anxious and ready for February to start. I am nervous about giving myself injections (needs to go in the abdomen) and then the HCG trigger shot which is an intramuscular shot that is 1 1/2 inches long... ouch! Not sure I can do that to myself.. going to need help for that one! Ready to get this show on the road... here's to hoping it works! (But not TOO well because I don't want 6 babies.... lol)


WELCOME 23rd year of my life ... Let's make this one good!

Pity Party for One

I'm ridiculous. I can't seem to keep it together anymore. I guess I am just at my wit's end now that we are on our 14th cycle of trying to conceive, and I keep hearing more and more news of friend's becoming pregnant. I am truly happy for my friends that have received the greatest blessing God can give.. I just want that blessing for myself and Matt as well. It doesn't make sense to me why we are going through all we have gone through. I have watched friends become pregnant and give birth all within the time we've been trying. March must have especially been a busy month for a lot of people, as December has been a month full of births! Miracles everywhere, but mine is no where in sight. I know that in February we will be moving on to the next step, but it's still hard to hang in there. Last month I was full of such hope and I swore it was going to be it.. and it wasn't. The pain I have felt during the past couple weeks is indescribable. My heart just hurts. I hate getting on Facebook these days because every time I log in I see an "I'm pregnant!", "It's a girl!", "It's a boy!", or an "I'm _ weeks ..". It's hard. Most things I write on Facebook now are negative, and I know that is probably obnoxious to a lot of people, but I can't seem to help it. It is what is on my mind. All I want is a baby.. nothing else. I knew our road to having a child would probably be hard, but I never knew it would be this difficult. On the up-side, I have an amazing husband who has been by my side through all of this. It is hard on him, too. I know that this type of thing can drive a wedge in many people's marriages, but it hasn't in ours and I am thankful for that. In fact, a lot of the things we have gone through this year could drive a wedge in a marriage. We have come out stronger. I have been so blessed with a husband who fits me so well. He is my best friend. I love you Matt.

Time for Something New

Well, we had our appointment at Wilford Hall down in San Antonio this past week. At the appointment we went over our medical history and what we have done so far during our journey trying to conceive. We discussed our next step, which is to do an IUI (intrauterine insemination), and the possibility of IVF (invitro fertilization) if the IUI does not work. I also had an ultrasound so the doctors could examine my cysts. I will always have cysts because of my PCOS, but apparently there is a cyst that is a decent enough size for them to want it removed. The solution they came up with is to put my on Birth Control for a month in hopes that the cyst goes away. I was not happy about this at all. Unfortunately, if the cyst does not go away I will have to have it surgically removed. Since Matt is going to be gone for a month in January they were going to have me stay on it until he gets back and then immediately go in to doing the IUI in February. I have decided not to take the birth control for December since Matt is still here. I am giving my body a chance to work itself out on it's own and giving us one last opportunity to conceive naturally. I believe that God can work miracles and I am not giving up hope that we could conceive this month. If we are not successful, then I will take the pill while Matt is gone. I am nervous about the cyst and hope that I will not have to have surgery, but I will do what I need to do. I am excited that we are getting somewhere though, and that we are finally able to try something new. I have not given up hope yet and am trying to remain as positive as I can be. This week has been a low one and I have had a few good cries, but I am ready to pick myself back up and move forward.



PS. My husband is the most awesome man in the entire world and I am so very grateful for him. He is my best friend and has been my rock. I am so blessed to have him as a partner and thank God every day for putting him in my life.

And to all who read this and have been praying for us and supporting us through this.. THANK YOU :)

Excited

I am super anxious for next week! I took my 7th round (pretty sure it was 7) of Clomid this month and did the Clomid Challenge for Wilford Hall. The Clomid Challenge measures your FSH and Estradiol levels on Day 3 and Day 10  (Clomid days 5 - 9) and your progesterone levels on Day 23.. and if everything goes well a pregnancy test on day 35. Everything looks GREAT!! My FSH levels were well within range, and Day 10's level was lower than Day 3's. My Estradiol level was 48 on Day 3 (good!) and well... it jumped to 570 by Day 10!? Not sure if this is good or bad.. but it's high. It's no wonder these pills make me feel the way they do. Anyway, on Day 23 I had my Progesterone level done to see if I had ovulated. Anything over 10 indicates ovulation, and when my doctor called me yesterday it was 54! That's really high. She said I definitely ovulated. I am wondering if this is a good sign. I hope so. Maybe there is more than one.. hmm. All I know is that a level of 54 means there is more than enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. Now all we can do is wait. Prayers please!! I really want my Christmas miracle.