I don't know how to feel..

Once again, I am clueless. Tonight I do my trigger shot and the IUI is on Friday morning, but for the first time I do not know how to feel about it. My heart is being torn in so many directions. I feel like I am just going through the motions, doing my injections each day, going to the appointments, and yet feeling nothing. I am numb.. and so is Matt. He has no real hope of a miracle happening. I still do, but he is making me sad with his pessimistic outlook on it. I told him that there is always hope, because God can always do a miracle. He said today that he believes if a real miracle is going to happen it is going to happen on some magical night the two of us have. Yeah, I wish it would happen that way. He and I both know the chances of that are next to nothing, but who knows..maybe one day. That would truly be a miracle. I guess we have finally reached our limit with treatments. After this, if it fails again, we will move on. We will concentrate on our upcoming move, finding new jobs in Charlotte, house hunting, and researching adoption agencies. I have faith. After reading another lady's blog, I have begun praying for my future children by name (as we have already had names picked out for quite some time). I pray for my Madelyn Jean and my Colton James.. in whatever way they come into our life. God please give us some renewed sense of hope, especially for my husband.

Where I've been lately..

I haven't updated my blog in a while, so I decided today would be a good day to do so. The last time I updated, we were in the middle of an IUI cycle. The day after I posted we went to the doctor and I had 3 great follicles (possibly more, but I don't remember the details anymore). We had the IUI on Friday, May 18th and things could not have gone more smoothly. Matt's count and motility had dramatically improved from the previous IUI. In fact, back in February his motility was only at 20%, but this particular sample had 80% motility! We were thrilled. When we left, I called my mother and by the time I got off of the phone with her I was in tears. She told me that she had spent time in prayer that morning for us and that God had spoken to her and given her two very specific words, and confirmed them twice. Those words were "Blessed Assurance". She said those words were for me and that our prayers were going to be answered. I immediately felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and had a peace come over me. I just knew this was it. I was going to finally get my miracle and have my baby! Matt and I went out to breakfast like we always do after an IUI and joked about the possibility of having multiples. The next two weeks went by slowly! I could hardly wait to test. I, of course, tested early because I wanted to test my Ovidrel trigger shot out of my system so I would know for sure that my positive test was real if I got one at the end of two weeks. Around day 8 my tests turned negative and I knew it was out of my system. A couple days later, I began to get faint positives on my tests. I started to get really excited, but I wasn't convinced that I was pregnant yet until I was able to get a darker positive. On the morning of June 2nd, 15 days after the IUI, I saw the most beautiful sight I have ever seen... TWO bright pink lines! I could not believe it. I told my husband and then immediately went to call my mom. She of course did not answer so I talked to my dad first. When I told my dad, he began to cry and told me how happy he was for me. This is when it began to hit me and I started to cry, too. We told all of our family members and then (stupidly) I decided to post the news on Facebook. There have been a lot of people who have followed our journey over the past three years and I wanted to share my joy with them. I just knew that if God allowed me to get a positive test after all of this pain that everything was going to be OK. We celebrated that day. We went to see the movie 'What to Expect when You're Expecting' (I wouldn't see it unless I was pregnant) and Matt held me close and whispered,"We did it". Well, sadly, I was wrong. The next morning, I woke up and went to the restroom and instantly knew it was over. I was bleeding very heavily. So many emotions swept over me... anger, embarrassment, frustration, and most of all complete and utter despair. I went to the ER, alone, to get checked out. I wept for hours. In the end, there was no baby. I could have easily blamed God. I could have easily given up all hope. And I will admit that day I did. I didn't understand how this could happen. But I knew that becoming bitter was not going to make me feel any better. I know people are watching and paying attention to the way I handle myself because I have chosen to make our journey public. What example would I be? I am supposed to be a Christian and I want people to see Jesus through me. I am not strong. God gives me my strength and is the reason I keep going. I have such a hard time reading posts where women complain about their pregnancies. I would give anything to experience the 'discomforts' that come along with being pregnant. I am sure it is not always pleasant, but I promise if I am ever given the opportunity that I will not complain.. and if I do it will be to my husband! (lol) Let's fast forward a bit. Here we are on July 3rd. A lot has happened in the past month. We are currently, once again, in the middle of an IUI cycle. We decided to give it one last shot since we had the time and resources to do so. I have to admit that I am finding it hard to become optimistic this time around. I don't want to have my heart broken again. I have given myself many shots in the stomach over the past week and we went to the doctor this morning to see how things were progressing. I have two good follicles right now. One is on my left ovary and one is on my right. I have to give myself one more shot today and then tomorrow night at 7PM I will give myself the Ovidrel shot ( puts HCG in my system and forces ovulation for those who do not know)and the IUI will be at 7 AM on Friday. So far everything is looking great and I know there is always a chance that it could work. We are aware though that IVF and adoption are where our options are heading. We are leaning more strongly toward pursuing adoption once we move back to North Carolina and buy a house. It is something we have always discussed and have a desire to do even if we have our own biological children, but we have spent the past few years undergoing treatments first. There is a lot to think about and pray about and we hope that others will begin to pray for us as we look into various agencies in the coming months. I don't think anything will happen until the beginning of next year though. I know this blog is long and I have covered a lot (and there is still so much more I could say) but I wanted to get everything that has happened recently down in writing. I do not know why we were given this journey, but it is ours and we have a story that is still developing. I know in my heart that God has big plans for us. I hope one day soon to be a family and I promise to give God all the glory when it happens. No matter how our family is formed, it will be a true miracle!

Emotionally Drained

The past couple months have been very difficult. I have been in and out of the hospital for cysts and pain. The good news is I finally got rid of the cyst and we are now in the middle of another (and our last) treatment cycle before Matt gets out of the military. In fact, our doctors have already informed us that we should be considering IVF. We've already done over $30,000 worth of treatment. Thank God for our insurance. I don't know what we will do when we no longer have it. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to check labs and follicle growth. We are hoping for good news and if all goes well IUI should be Friday I think. As far a medications go, I am on dexamethasone, femara, gonal-f injections, and the ovidrel trigger shot. I am a nervous wreck. There is a lot of pressure riding on this IUI, but I am doing my best to relax. My heart is so heavy right now though. Mother's Day was this past weekend and it was rough for me. Matt and I went out of town and go away which was nice. I was also shocked at the amount of people who reached out to me over that day and let me know they were thinking of me. It meant a lot to be remembered. I have been doing pretty well, but today I am emotional. I am being such a girl! (lol). I just can't handle any more baby news right now. I have been handling pregnancy announcements and gender reveals and births the best I can, but for some reason it is all catching up to me today. It is probably all the hormones I've got running through me! Anyway, that is the update for the time being. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news and peace of mind. I really want a miracle.

The last couple weeks have been an adventure..

I never did update after my last appointment. As expected, because of my cyst, I did not respond to the medications. No follicle growth occured. In fact, the only thing that grew was my cyst! The cyst was about 2in at the time of my appointment on April 4th (it was a Wednesday). So the cycle was canceled. My progesterone levels were up, however, so my RE decided that the cyst should go away on it's own and that I should start a new cycle w/i 2-4 weeks. Well, plans changed! A couple days later I ended up in extreme pain and was having issues using the restroom. This began on Saturday, the 7th. Finally, after a couple of days of this I went to the ER on Monday. After being poked and prodded at they determined that my cyst had ruptured and sent me home with pain meds. To my surprise, I began another cycle a few days later on Thursday (the 12th). I called my RE in San Antonio and scheduled an appt to begin another treatment cycle and went to the doctor a day later on Friday. Well, no such luck. My cyst is NOT gone and it had in fact doubled in size in the past week. My cyst is bigger than my uterus. It hurts! I don't know if anything actually ruptured.. I guess it could have been a different cyst since I did have multiple, but the big cyst that I had was definitely not gone. So, now we have to do some more waiting. My RE put me on the Nuvaring (birth control for those who do not know) for 3 weeks to hopefully shrink the cyst. After three weeks I will remove it and go back to the doctor once I begin a new cycle. My RE says I have been through the 'gynecological ringer' in the past month or so. I agree! I am still in pain and am still on pain medication to help. I am hoping that I begin to feel better soon, that the cyst will go away, and that we can begin again. This next time will be our LAST shot before we move and Matt is out of the military. Talk about pressure! I am so nervous, but I still have hope and am praying that a miracle occurs. It is in God's hands and what is meant to be, will be.

A very personal blog discussing some intimate thoughts..

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For the longest time, Matt and I have discussed the option of adoption. We have always said that we would love to adopt a child because we know we could give a child a wonderful, loving home. I want to put down in words some of my feelings, but I don't want to be judged because of them. There have been times when I have wondered what it would be like to adopt; how it would feel and if I could truly be satisfied with that answer to having our family. Would I really be a good mother? Would I be able to love that child as my own? I have wondered if I would have the same type of attachment to that child as I would if I were to give birth. I know the answer to these questions.. of course I would. I know I'd be able to love and care for a child I adopted just as I would any other child. So why do I worry? Is that a normal fear? Am I actually called to adopt? Part of me is scared of that answer. Yes, I would love to adopt.. but I also want a child that Matt and I created together. One that has his eyes and freckles, and my nose. I want to feel baby kicks inside of me and experience every ache,pain, and joy of pregnancy. I guess what I am scared of, is that God only wants us to adopt and never have our own biological child. Is that selfish? It makes me feel terrible to have those thoughts. It has always been our plan to adopt at some point. We figured we'd continue to try and have our own first, and then adopt later on. I'm so confused right now about what it is that I am meant to do. After three years of heartache and frustration, I am clueless. Everything we have been through to try and create our family has worn me out. No matter how hard I try to fight it there is always a pain inside of me that longs to be a mother. I feel like it is what I was born to do. I have countless friends who have told me that I would make a great mom and comment on how good I am with their kids. Why hasn't it happened? Am I being punished? I just wish I knew what the answers to these questions were.

Anyway, I am about halfway through my medications right now. I finish my pills tomorrow and begin the injections. My next appointment, as I mentioned in my previous blog, is on Wednesday. I am hoping that we receive good news and that the meds are working despite the cyst, but I am not sure what to expect. I always have hope though, because without hope.. what do you have?

CD 3 Appointment - Femara and Gonal-F

Yesterday was my CD 3 baseline blood work and ultrasound. Let's just say it did not go quite as expected. Unfortunately, I have another decent sized cyst on my left ovary. It is not quite as big as the one I had back in November that we got cancelled for, but it is big enough for us to get cancelled. As soon as they mentioned the size, I knew we were not going to be able to proceed this month. Wrong. So,the doctor said that because Matt is close to getting out of the Army and we do not have many more chances, that we could go ahead and try. He didn't think that the cyst was producing any hormones so it wouldn't be too big a problem. He did say that it was not ideal and that normally we would have to wait. We then discussed our new treatment plan. I know I mentioned before that I would be doing all injections this time around, but I was wrong. We are doing a combination. I will take Femara, just like I did last cycle, followed by Gonal-F injections. I am so excited that we get to try injectables! I'm also happy that we are doing the combination because I was worried about hyper-stimulating and producing too many follicles. Sweet!

Ok, so we were on our way home when the doctor called and said that my labs came back. My estrogen levels are way too high for the beginning of a cycle. The levels should be under 80 and mine are in the 200s. He said we could proceed and could try, but that I may not respond to the medications because of the cyst and the hormones it is putting out. Lovely! So, I'm a little concerned about this cycle. It seems to be a flop before it has even started. But, we will try and see what happens. My next appointment is April 4th (a week from today, on Wednesday). Fingers crossed that maybe it will work. We are quickly running out of time. Hey, every other cycle things seemed perfect and it didn't work. Maybe I needed things to seem bad so that it does.. ha

Well..

I never updated after the last IUI, but the results were what I expected.. negative. Another failed IUI. This one really messed with my head, too because my cycle did not start until 17dpiui! That never happens and it was strange. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever work for us, or if we need to seriously consider saving for IVF. I haven't updated my blog in a while because I have been a little down, plus we were out of town this past week. It has just been hard. The same week that we found out the IUI failed, there were 8 pregnancy announcements from friends. Really?! It drives me nuts. I don't mean to sound petty, but it seems like each time a treatment fails another flock of women announce they are expecting. I just want to be a mother. My heart aches and I am tired of disappointment. I'm also sick of everyone else's opinion or advice. If you don't know what I am going through and haven't been where I am .. Do not give me your opinion. I don't mean to sound mean, but it is frustrating. There are even certain family members who seem to think 'if we just stop trying it will happen'. Or people who think that somehow a treatment cycle 'cures' our issues and we can get pregnant without a problem. I'm sorry, but that is just not how it works. I wish it worked that way, but sadly, it does not.

Anyway, I just started taking Provera (yay for saving half of my last prescription for this very purpose (lol) ) and we should be starting another IUI cycle sometime next week I believe. This time will be a fully injectable cycle. I hope it helps. If not.. well, then I think we may start saving our money.