My timeline

Today, I am just not feeling it. I'm tired of always putting on a smile and pretending I'm OK all the time. I avoid the topic with friends, and when it is brought up.. I try to brush it off as quickly as possible because no one wants to hear my sob story. I have so many blessings in my life, but there is still a huge part that is missing.. our children. Right now there are a lot of transitions getting ready to happen. The transition to focusing on adoption, the transition from army life to civilian life; buying a house, starting a new career. Things are changing. I have never been good with change. I don't know if I'm ready to let go of this part of my life. I don't think I'm ready to let go of my hope for a biological child and I am terrified of moving back to North Carolina and leaving our life here in Texas. As much as the Army can drive me nuts (more so the company Matt is in), I am going to miss it dearly. This is our lifestyle, and our lifestyle is about to change. I am not ready to move away from my friends.

This is our timeline over the past few years:

December 22, 2008 - We were married
January 11, 2009 - Matt deployed
March 2009 - Matt told me he wanted to try for a baby when he came home on leave
April 2009 - We first tried to conceive
May 2009 - Late period, went to doctor, discussed my history, and after tests were done was diagnosed with PCOS
September 2009 - More tests, put on Metformin, referred to doctor
December 2009 - Matt returned home and we returned to trying to conceive
February 2010 - More tests; Matt diagnosed with low count & low motility (First analysis showed 8 million/ml and 20% motility) We were devastated
March 2010 - More tests
April 2010 through December 2010 - Clomid
August 2010 - Matt's negligent discharge that resulted in 2 surgeries, 10 days in the hospital, and a permanent disability to the leg
December 2010 - First appointment in San Antonio and plans to begin IUI once cyst is gone
January 2011 - Dad diagnosed with cancer; Danny passes away
January - March 2011 - Cyst
April 2011 - Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy - Septate uterus corrected
June 2011 - First attempt at IUI: Cancelled due to no response
July 2011 - IUI #1
August - September 2011 - Cyst
October 2011 - IUI #2
November 2011 - cancelled cycle due to cyst
February 2012 (after cyst was gone) - IUI #3
March 2012 - another attempt at IUI, but no response due to cyst
March 2012 - ruptured cyst
April 2012 - Birth Control for cysts
May 2012 - IUI #4
June 2012 - Birth Control for 3 weeks for cyst
July 2012- IUI # 5: The last IUI


I'm exhausted. Today I am feeling angry, and dare I say a little bitter. I have seen so many people have their children while we have continue to experience this pain, and many are on their second and third baby. I don't like to feel this way and I don't like to have negative emotions, but sometimes I am human and have a bad day. I need to be able to feel like this sometimes so I can get it all out and not bottle it up and pretend the emotions don't exist. Most days, I'm fine, but not every day is sunshine and on occasion I am walking through a storm. I am writing this because I want others to know that is OK to have these feelings and to be upset. It's ok to hurt. I do.

IUI #5 (IUI attempt #8)

Friday was the IUI. I am happy to say things went quite well! When I posted the other day, we were both feeling down and out about everything. I think we are just nervous to be getting our hopes up again because every time we do we are let down. Last time was,obviously, especially difficult. Once again, God has shocked me. Matt's count and motility were fantastic! I don't know what has changed, but both May's IUI and this past one have shown drastic improvement. I thought for sure it was a fluke last time, but this time things were even better! Pre-wash he had 80 million sperm per ml at 90% motility (yay!) and post-wash (which is what is used) there were 120 million/ml at 70% motility!! That means at 70% we had a total of 84 million for the insemination. Praise God! We are normally only working with close to 8 million. In fact, we had more than double than we had last time I think =] It's kind of hard not to get a little excited about that. Plus we had two great looking follicles on my end. I guess we will see what happens in two weeks. Funny story: One of the nurses was talking to me after the IUI (I have to lay there for 30 mins afterward) and I asked her how often people are getting pregnant from the IUIs in this office. She told me a few different stories of some ladies who have recently gotten pregnant (and they gave me hope because one of them tried 13 times before it worked) and then told me about this one lady who she would never forget. She said there was a lady who was trying for her second child through IUI. She got pregnant from IUI with her first baby, too. For her recent IUI she wore the same socks, same outfit, same everything as when she conceived her first. She said the reason she will never forget her is because when she came in to check on her at one point, the lady was laying the opposite way on the bed/table so that her legs were in the air. I guess no one else ever does this. I said, "That is a GREAT idea! I don't know why I never thought of that!". So, I did the same thing, lol. Yes, the blood kind of ran to my head after a while, but hey I'll try anything! Hope that gives some of you a laugh.. I know my husband did! Anyway, before I end this blog I want to ask for prayers for a friend from North Carolina. Her name is Moriah and she is 26 weeks pregnant. She is currently being hospitalized for extremely high blood pressure and will remain in the hospital until the baby is born. They say it will be a miracle if she even makes it to 32 weeks. Her mother has been a great support to me throughout my infertility journey. I ask that everyone prays for Moriah, her husband, and their unborn son.

I don't know how to feel..

Once again, I am clueless. Tonight I do my trigger shot and the IUI is on Friday morning, but for the first time I do not know how to feel about it. My heart is being torn in so many directions. I feel like I am just going through the motions, doing my injections each day, going to the appointments, and yet feeling nothing. I am numb.. and so is Matt. He has no real hope of a miracle happening. I still do, but he is making me sad with his pessimistic outlook on it. I told him that there is always hope, because God can always do a miracle. He said today that he believes if a real miracle is going to happen it is going to happen on some magical night the two of us have. Yeah, I wish it would happen that way. He and I both know the chances of that are next to nothing, but who knows..maybe one day. That would truly be a miracle. I guess we have finally reached our limit with treatments. After this, if it fails again, we will move on. We will concentrate on our upcoming move, finding new jobs in Charlotte, house hunting, and researching adoption agencies. I have faith. After reading another lady's blog, I have begun praying for my future children by name (as we have already had names picked out for quite some time). I pray for my Madelyn Jean and my Colton James.. in whatever way they come into our life. God please give us some renewed sense of hope, especially for my husband.

Where I've been lately..

I haven't updated my blog in a while, so I decided today would be a good day to do so. The last time I updated, we were in the middle of an IUI cycle. The day after I posted we went to the doctor and I had 3 great follicles (possibly more, but I don't remember the details anymore). We had the IUI on Friday, May 18th and things could not have gone more smoothly. Matt's count and motility had dramatically improved from the previous IUI. In fact, back in February his motility was only at 20%, but this particular sample had 80% motility! We were thrilled. When we left, I called my mother and by the time I got off of the phone with her I was in tears. She told me that she had spent time in prayer that morning for us and that God had spoken to her and given her two very specific words, and confirmed them twice. Those words were "Blessed Assurance". She said those words were for me and that our prayers were going to be answered. I immediately felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and had a peace come over me. I just knew this was it. I was going to finally get my miracle and have my baby! Matt and I went out to breakfast like we always do after an IUI and joked about the possibility of having multiples. The next two weeks went by slowly! I could hardly wait to test. I, of course, tested early because I wanted to test my Ovidrel trigger shot out of my system so I would know for sure that my positive test was real if I got one at the end of two weeks. Around day 8 my tests turned negative and I knew it was out of my system. A couple days later, I began to get faint positives on my tests. I started to get really excited, but I wasn't convinced that I was pregnant yet until I was able to get a darker positive. On the morning of June 2nd, 15 days after the IUI, I saw the most beautiful sight I have ever seen... TWO bright pink lines! I could not believe it. I told my husband and then immediately went to call my mom. She of course did not answer so I talked to my dad first. When I told my dad, he began to cry and told me how happy he was for me. This is when it began to hit me and I started to cry, too. We told all of our family members and then (stupidly) I decided to post the news on Facebook. There have been a lot of people who have followed our journey over the past three years and I wanted to share my joy with them. I just knew that if God allowed me to get a positive test after all of this pain that everything was going to be OK. We celebrated that day. We went to see the movie 'What to Expect when You're Expecting' (I wouldn't see it unless I was pregnant) and Matt held me close and whispered,"We did it". Well, sadly, I was wrong. The next morning, I woke up and went to the restroom and instantly knew it was over. I was bleeding very heavily. So many emotions swept over me... anger, embarrassment, frustration, and most of all complete and utter despair. I went to the ER, alone, to get checked out. I wept for hours. In the end, there was no baby. I could have easily blamed God. I could have easily given up all hope. And I will admit that day I did. I didn't understand how this could happen. But I knew that becoming bitter was not going to make me feel any better. I know people are watching and paying attention to the way I handle myself because I have chosen to make our journey public. What example would I be? I am supposed to be a Christian and I want people to see Jesus through me. I am not strong. God gives me my strength and is the reason I keep going. I have such a hard time reading posts where women complain about their pregnancies. I would give anything to experience the 'discomforts' that come along with being pregnant. I am sure it is not always pleasant, but I promise if I am ever given the opportunity that I will not complain.. and if I do it will be to my husband! (lol) Let's fast forward a bit. Here we are on July 3rd. A lot has happened in the past month. We are currently, once again, in the middle of an IUI cycle. We decided to give it one last shot since we had the time and resources to do so. I have to admit that I am finding it hard to become optimistic this time around. I don't want to have my heart broken again. I have given myself many shots in the stomach over the past week and we went to the doctor this morning to see how things were progressing. I have two good follicles right now. One is on my left ovary and one is on my right. I have to give myself one more shot today and then tomorrow night at 7PM I will give myself the Ovidrel shot ( puts HCG in my system and forces ovulation for those who do not know)and the IUI will be at 7 AM on Friday. So far everything is looking great and I know there is always a chance that it could work. We are aware though that IVF and adoption are where our options are heading. We are leaning more strongly toward pursuing adoption once we move back to North Carolina and buy a house. It is something we have always discussed and have a desire to do even if we have our own biological children, but we have spent the past few years undergoing treatments first. There is a lot to think about and pray about and we hope that others will begin to pray for us as we look into various agencies in the coming months. I don't think anything will happen until the beginning of next year though. I know this blog is long and I have covered a lot (and there is still so much more I could say) but I wanted to get everything that has happened recently down in writing. I do not know why we were given this journey, but it is ours and we have a story that is still developing. I know in my heart that God has big plans for us. I hope one day soon to be a family and I promise to give God all the glory when it happens. No matter how our family is formed, it will be a true miracle!

Emotionally Drained

The past couple months have been very difficult. I have been in and out of the hospital for cysts and pain. The good news is I finally got rid of the cyst and we are now in the middle of another (and our last) treatment cycle before Matt gets out of the military. In fact, our doctors have already informed us that we should be considering IVF. We've already done over $30,000 worth of treatment. Thank God for our insurance. I don't know what we will do when we no longer have it. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to check labs and follicle growth. We are hoping for good news and if all goes well IUI should be Friday I think. As far a medications go, I am on dexamethasone, femara, gonal-f injections, and the ovidrel trigger shot. I am a nervous wreck. There is a lot of pressure riding on this IUI, but I am doing my best to relax. My heart is so heavy right now though. Mother's Day was this past weekend and it was rough for me. Matt and I went out of town and go away which was nice. I was also shocked at the amount of people who reached out to me over that day and let me know they were thinking of me. It meant a lot to be remembered. I have been doing pretty well, but today I am emotional. I am being such a girl! (lol). I just can't handle any more baby news right now. I have been handling pregnancy announcements and gender reveals and births the best I can, but for some reason it is all catching up to me today. It is probably all the hormones I've got running through me! Anyway, that is the update for the time being. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news and peace of mind. I really want a miracle.

The last couple weeks have been an adventure..

I never did update after my last appointment. As expected, because of my cyst, I did not respond to the medications. No follicle growth occured. In fact, the only thing that grew was my cyst! The cyst was about 2in at the time of my appointment on April 4th (it was a Wednesday). So the cycle was canceled. My progesterone levels were up, however, so my RE decided that the cyst should go away on it's own and that I should start a new cycle w/i 2-4 weeks. Well, plans changed! A couple days later I ended up in extreme pain and was having issues using the restroom. This began on Saturday, the 7th. Finally, after a couple of days of this I went to the ER on Monday. After being poked and prodded at they determined that my cyst had ruptured and sent me home with pain meds. To my surprise, I began another cycle a few days later on Thursday (the 12th). I called my RE in San Antonio and scheduled an appt to begin another treatment cycle and went to the doctor a day later on Friday. Well, no such luck. My cyst is NOT gone and it had in fact doubled in size in the past week. My cyst is bigger than my uterus. It hurts! I don't know if anything actually ruptured.. I guess it could have been a different cyst since I did have multiple, but the big cyst that I had was definitely not gone. So, now we have to do some more waiting. My RE put me on the Nuvaring (birth control for those who do not know) for 3 weeks to hopefully shrink the cyst. After three weeks I will remove it and go back to the doctor once I begin a new cycle. My RE says I have been through the 'gynecological ringer' in the past month or so. I agree! I am still in pain and am still on pain medication to help. I am hoping that I begin to feel better soon, that the cyst will go away, and that we can begin again. This next time will be our LAST shot before we move and Matt is out of the military. Talk about pressure! I am so nervous, but I still have hope and am praying that a miracle occurs. It is in God's hands and what is meant to be, will be.

A very personal blog discussing some intimate thoughts..

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For the longest time, Matt and I have discussed the option of adoption. We have always said that we would love to adopt a child because we know we could give a child a wonderful, loving home. I want to put down in words some of my feelings, but I don't want to be judged because of them. There have been times when I have wondered what it would be like to adopt; how it would feel and if I could truly be satisfied with that answer to having our family. Would I really be a good mother? Would I be able to love that child as my own? I have wondered if I would have the same type of attachment to that child as I would if I were to give birth. I know the answer to these questions.. of course I would. I know I'd be able to love and care for a child I adopted just as I would any other child. So why do I worry? Is that a normal fear? Am I actually called to adopt? Part of me is scared of that answer. Yes, I would love to adopt.. but I also want a child that Matt and I created together. One that has his eyes and freckles, and my nose. I want to feel baby kicks inside of me and experience every ache,pain, and joy of pregnancy. I guess what I am scared of, is that God only wants us to adopt and never have our own biological child. Is that selfish? It makes me feel terrible to have those thoughts. It has always been our plan to adopt at some point. We figured we'd continue to try and have our own first, and then adopt later on. I'm so confused right now about what it is that I am meant to do. After three years of heartache and frustration, I am clueless. Everything we have been through to try and create our family has worn me out. No matter how hard I try to fight it there is always a pain inside of me that longs to be a mother. I feel like it is what I was born to do. I have countless friends who have told me that I would make a great mom and comment on how good I am with their kids. Why hasn't it happened? Am I being punished? I just wish I knew what the answers to these questions were.

Anyway, I am about halfway through my medications right now. I finish my pills tomorrow and begin the injections. My next appointment, as I mentioned in my previous blog, is on Wednesday. I am hoping that we receive good news and that the meds are working despite the cyst, but I am not sure what to expect. I always have hope though, because without hope.. what do you have?